Episode 146 - Embracing Your Sexual Self in Midlife with Amanda Louder
In this eye-opening conversation, Jill chats with Amanda Louder, a certified sex and marriage coach who specializes in helping people of faith navigate their sexual relationships. Amanda brings her wealth of experience and compassionate approach to discussing how midlife women can embrace their sexuality and find wholeness.
From Shame to Wholeness: Amanda's Journey
Amanda begins by sharing her personal story. Growing up in an LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) home where sex wasn't discussed openly led to feelings of shame around her normal sexual thoughts and feelings as a teenager. After marrying young at 19, she quickly discovered sex wasn't what she expected.
"Unfortunately, the switch doesn't flip when you have experienced this shame," Amanda explains. "It quickly became very apparent that sex was not what I thought it was going to be."
During her first marriage, Amanda decided to face her shame head-on by educating herself about sexuality. Through books, resources, and a pivotal moment watching experts discuss women's sexuality on Oprah, she began questioning her beliefs.
"I realized that a lot of what I thought and believed really just wasn't true or accurate or helpful in my marriage," she shares.
Though her first marriage ended for various reasons, Amanda carried this knowledge into her current marriage with Kevin, which she describes as one of her proudest achievements. Their open communication about sex before marriage set a foundation for a fulfilling relationship.
Embracing Your Whole Self in Midlife
One of the most powerful concepts Amanda discusses is the importance of wholeness and integrity—not just living according to your values, but embracing all parts of yourself.
"If you are not acknowledging or denying or suppressing a part of yourself, you are not whole. And you will never feel whole," she emphasizes. "People will tell me that all the time. Like, 'I feel like something is missing.' And they'll go back to school, find hobbies, start side gigs... but it's still not enough because they have not embraced their whole self, including their sexuality."
Amanda notes that many midlife women reach a point where they're ready to step into their own power after years of trying to be "the good wife." Many have spent decades putting their sexuality on the back burner, engaging in "duty sex," or never experiencing sexual fulfillment.
Navigating Changes in Midlife
The conversation addresses several common challenges women face in midlife:
Empty nest transitions - Many women struggle when children leave home because they've found their identity primarily in motherhood. This transition provides an opportunity to rediscover yourself and your relationship with your spouse.
Hormonal changes - Perimenopause and menopause bring physical changes that affect sexual experiences. Amanda explains that while hormones are one factor in libido, desire is multifaceted.
Responsive desire - Amanda explains that women's sexual desire often works differently than men's: "Your brain is always scanning like should I turn on or should I turn off." Women need to surround themselves with stimuli for their brain to respond to—through senses, imagination, and thought processes.
A Path Forward: Questioning and Growth
For women looking to improve their intimate relationships in midlife, Amanda offers practical advice:
"Start questioning your beliefs," she suggests. "What do I believe about myself and sex? What do I believe about my husband and sex? What do I believe about marriage and sex? And what do I believe about sex in general?"
By examining these beliefs and whether they're creating what you want in your life, marriage, and sex life, you can begin to make intentional changes that lead to greater wholeness and connection.
Amanda emphasizes that it's never too late to build a better relationship: "If you have the desire to have a better relationship, it is definitely possible."
Resources for Growth
Amanda offers several resources for women wanting to explore these topics further:
Https://amandalouder.com
Https://instagram.com/christiansexcoach
https://amandalouder.com/blog/podcast
Whether through one-on-one coaching, couples coaching, or her membership community, Amanda provides a safe, compassionate space for women to explore their sexuality and find the wholeness they desire.
This conversation offers a refreshing, shame-free perspective on sexuality in midlife, particularly for women of faith. By embracing all aspects of ourselves—including our sexuality—we can experience greater wholeness, deeper connection, and more fulfilling relationships.
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About the Author: With over three years of podcasting experience and specialized coaching for women of faith in the mid-season of life, I'm passionate about helping women create lives they love, regardless of circumstance.
