Episode 143 - Being Your Own Best Friend Part 3: Getting to Know YOU!
The Art of Self-Discovery: Understanding Your Needs, Values, and Boundaries
Part 3 of the Being Your Own Best Friend Series
Have you ever wondered why you sometimes feel disconnected from yourself? Or why certain relationships leave you feeling drained rather than energized? The answer might lie in how well you truly know yourself—your needs, your values, and your boundaries.
In our previous episode, we explored self-compassion and self-forgiveness as foundational principles for building a stronger relationship with yourself. Today, we're diving deeper into the art of self-discovery and how it transforms not only your relationship with yourself but with everyone around you.
Why Self-Discovery Matters
Think about your closest friendships. These relationships developed because you invested time getting to know these people—paying attention to what they like and dislike, learning what makes them tick. Building a friendship with yourself requires the same dedication.
This self-discovery journey includes:
Setting aside time for self-reflection through journaling, meditation, or quiet contemplation
Connecting with your body and its signals
Learning about your personality through various assessment tools
Exploring activities that bring you joy
Paying attention to what affects your energy and mood
Noticing patterns in your relationships
Discovering your core needs, values, and boundaries
As you begin this journey, approach yourself with compassionate curiosity rather than judgment. Remember that getting to know yourself isn't a destination but an ongoing process that evolves throughout different seasons of your life.
Honoring Your Needs: The Foundation of Self-Care
Your needs aren't optional extras—they're essential requirements for your wellbeing. Learning to recognize and honor them is a fundamental act of self-friendship.
Listening to Your Body's Wisdom
Your body communicates with you constantly through physical sensations, energy levels, and emotional states. The wisdom you gain from paying attention to your body is often more reliable than intellectual reasoning about what you "should" need.
Practice noticing subtle cues before they become overwhelming demands:
A slight headache might be dehydration speaking
Irritability might signal hunger or fatigue
Brain fog might indicate a need for fresh air or movement
Creating Awareness Practices
Develop habits that keep you connected to your needs:
Schedule brief check-ins throughout your day
Set gentle reminders to assess your energy levels
Pause before making decisions to consider what your body and mind are asking for
When facing elevated emotions like stress or anxiety, give yourself permission to pause and process the emotion before jumping into problem-solving. This pause creates space to regulate your nervous system and approach challenges from a centered state rather than reactivity.
Distinguishing Needs from Wants
Needs are essential for your wellbeing, while wants are preferences that enhance life but aren't necessary for functioning. Learning this distinction helps prioritize what truly requires attention.
When feeling overwhelmed by competing demands, ask yourself: "Is this essential for my wellbeing right now?"
Needs vs. Wants Examples:
Sleep & Rest
Need: 7-8 hours of sleep for basic cognitive function
Want: Sleeping in until 10am or a luxury mattress
Nourishment
Need: Regular, nutritious meals
Want: Gourmet coffee or expensive restaurants
Safety
Need: Secure housing with basic utilities
Want: Living in an upscale neighborhood
Connection
Need: Meaningful relationships providing emotional support
Want: A large social circle or constant validation
Financial Security
Need: Sufficient income for basic living expenses
Want: Latest gadgets or luxury vacations
Identifying Your Non-Negotiables
What are the absolute essentials that keep you functioning at your best? These might include:
Minimum hours of sleep
Regular movement or exercise
Time in nature
Creative expression
Quiet time alone
Create a written list of these non-negotiables and review it regularly as a concrete reminder to protect these essentials when life gets busy.
Practical Implementation
Build buffers into your schedule instead of booking yourself solid
Prepare for need fulfillment by keeping supplies handy
Communicate your needs clearly to others
Track patterns in your wellbeing
Address any resistance to self-care by examining limiting beliefs
When you consistently honor your needs, you develop a trusting relationship with yourself. This trust becomes your foundation for authentic living and genuine connections with others.
Discovering Your Values: Your Internal Compass
Values are your internal compass—guiding your decisions, priorities, and sense of purpose. Unlike goals that can be achieved, values are ongoing priorities that direct how you move through life.
Living in alignment with your values creates a sense of integrity and purpose. When your actions match your values, you feel energized and satisfied. Conversely, when making choices that conflict with your values, you often experience discomfort or a sense that something is "off."
Uncovering Your Core Values
Several approaches can help identify what truly matters to you:
Reflect on peak experiences: Think about times when you felt most alive and fulfilled
Notice what upsets you: Strong emotional reactions often indicate a violated value
Consider your heroes: The people you admire most often embody qualities you value
Examine your spending and time: Where you invest your resources reveals what you truly prioritize
Try these values exercises:
From a list of common values, select the 10 that resonate most, then narrow to 5, then 3
Complete the sentence "I'm at my best when..." multiple times
Imagine your ideal day and analyze what elements make it satisfying
Once you've identified potential values, deepen your understanding:
For each value, ask "What does this look like in practice?"
Consider how this value has shown up positively in your past
Envision how living this value fully would change your current choices
The real work comes in aligning your daily life with these values—using them as guiding principles to create a life that feels meaningful and authentic to you.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Protecting What Matters
When we discover our needs and values, we must protect them through boundaries. Boundaries aren't walls that keep others out but rather guidelines that define what's acceptable to you.
Think of your life, values, and needs as a beautiful garden that you're responsible for tending. Boundaries are the gate—you decide how far others can come in, and you can do this with kindness.
Types of Boundaries
Physical boundaries: personal space, touch preferences, privacy needs
Emotional boundaries: protecting your feelings, separating others' emotions from your own
Time boundaries: how you allocate your limited hours and energy
Mental boundaries: safeguarding your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs
Digital boundaries: managing online availability and information sharing
Recognizing Boundary Issues
You might need stronger boundaries if you experience:
Feeling resentful, exhausted, or taken advantage of
Saying yes when you want to say no
Regularly overcommitting yourself
Abandoning your priorities for others
Absorbing others' emotions as your responsibility
Creating Effective Boundaries
Identify your limits: Reflect on situations that leave you feeling drained
Connect with your values: Ask "What do I want to make space for in my life?"
Recognize warning signals: Notice physical sensations that indicate a boundary is being crossed
Use clear, direct language: "I won't be checking email after 7pm" is clearer than "I try not to work evenings"
Focus on "I" statements: "I need time alone to recharge" rather than "You're always demanding my attention"
Keep it simple: You don't need to over-explain your boundaries
Be consistent: Inconsistently enforced boundaries teach others they can push past your limits
Building Your Boundary Practice
Start with smaller boundaries before tackling more challenging ones
Prepare for potential pushback from others
Develop scripts for common situations
Remember that short-term discomfort leads to greater respect
Practice self-compassion when you struggle
When you consistently set healthy boundaries, you honor both yourself and others by being authentic about your needs and limitations. This creates relationships based on mutual respect rather than obligation or resentment.
Self-Knowledge Creates Freedom
When you clearly identify your needs, values, and boundaries, you free yourself from trying to control others to feel better. Instead of waiting for someone else to meet your needs, you take charge of your own wellbeing.
This awareness transforms your life. You stop merely reacting to circumstances and start making intentional choices about what truly matters. You become the author of your own story, focusing your energy on what brings fulfillment while protecting these priorities with healthy boundaries.
This shift doesn't just benefit you—it creates more genuine relationships based on mutual respect rather than unspoken expectations.
The Self-Awareness Triangle
These concepts—understanding our needs, recognizing our values, and establishing healthy boundaries—form a powerful triangle of self-awareness:
Our needs tell us what's essential
Our values tell us what's meaningful
Our boundaries ensure we honor both
The magic happens when these elements work together:
By honoring your need for rest, you're valuing your health and setting boundaries around your time
By prioritizing genuine connection, you're valuing authenticity and setting boundaries around the relationships you nurture
Each reinforces the others in a continuous cycle of growth.
Moving Forward
The next time you find yourself overwhelmed or pulled in too many directions, pause and return to this triangle. Ask yourself:
"What do I truly need right now? What values am I honoring by meeting this need? And what boundaries must I maintain to protect what matters most?"
This practice isn't just about saying no—it's about saying yes to a life that reflects your deepest truth. Because when our needs, values, and boundaries align, we don't just survive—we thrive.
Understanding your needs, honoring your values, and setting healthy boundaries isn't selfish—it's the most profound form of self-respect.
What area of self-discovery are you most drawn to explore right now? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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About the Author: With over three years of podcasting experience and specialized coaching for women of faith in the mid-season of life, I'm passionate about helping women create lives they love, regardless of circumstance.
