Episode 142 - Being Your Own Best Friend Part 2: Self-Compassion + Self-Forgiveness
Are you tired of being your own worst critic? Do you find yourself caught in a cycle of negative self-talk and harsh judgment? You're not alone. Many of us, especially women in midlife, struggle with treating ourselves with the kindness we so easily offer others.
In this comprehensive guide, we'll explore how self-compassion and self-forgiveness can transform your relationship with yourself, bringing more peace, joy, and authenticity to your life.
What is Negative Self-Talk and Why Does It Matter?
Negative self-talk is that persistent inner critic that narrates our experiences with judgment, doubt, and harsh commentary. Research shows this internal dialogue doesn't just feel terrible—it actively shapes our experiences and contributes to increased stress, anxiety, reduced resilience, and even physical health problems.
For women navigating midlife transitions—whether it's children leaving home, career shifts, health changes, or evolving relationships—this negative self-talk often intensifies as we face deeper questions about identity and purpose.
Common Forms of Negative Self-Talk:
The perfectionist critic: "I should be further along by now." "That wasn't good enough."
The catastrophizer: "I'll never figure this out." "Everything is falling apart."
The comparer: "She's doing so much better than I am." "I don't measure up."
The harsh judge: "I'm too old/too heavy/too tired." "I've wasted so much time."
A Personal Story About Self-Criticism
Recently, I was with friends looking at group photos we had taken. Each friend immediately pointed out something they didn't like about themselves. I gently encouraged them, saying, "Don't pick apart my friend" or "Be nice to my friend."
When the phone reached me—I caught myself doing exactly the same thing! I immediately criticized how I was standing, the angle of my face, and the way my body looked. It was so easy to correct my friends' self-talk but much harder to address my own.
This moment reminded me that transforming our relationship with ourselves is an ongoing journey, not a destination. The good news? Negative self-talk isn't fixed or permanent.
The Power of Self-Compassion: What Research Shows
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you'd offer a good friend when they're suffering, failing, or feeling inadequate.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in this field, defines self-compassion through three components:
Self-kindness: Speaking to yourself with gentleness rather than harsh criticism
Common humanity: Recognizing that everyone struggles and makes mistakes
Mindfulness: Being aware of your thoughts and feelings without avoiding or over-identifying with them
Studies show that practicing self-compassion correlates with:
Greater emotional wellbeing
Reduced anxiety and depression
Lower stress levels
Healthier relationships with others
Increased resilience and motivation
7 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion in Daily Life
Reframe mistakes as learning opportunities: Instead of "I'm so stupid, I always mess up," try "This mistake doesn't define me. I'm learning and growing, just like everyone else."
Sit with difficult emotions: When disappointed about not meeting a goal, acknowledge "This feels really hard right now" without minimizing or exaggerating.
Replace self-criticism with self-correction: Instead of "I'm a terrible parent for losing my temper," try "I'm human and parenting is challenging. How can I repair this situation and learn from it?"
Celebrate small victories: Recognize effort with "I'm proud that I tried something new today, even though it was uncomfortable."
Set boundaries that honor your needs: Say no when necessary without guilt or excessive explanation.
Notice and redirect your inner critic: "I'm being hard on myself again. What would I say to someone I care about in this situation?"
Forgive yourself for past mistakes: "I made a poor choice then, but I've learned and grown since."
Remember: Self-compassion isn't self-indulgence or lowering standards—it's creating an internal environment where growth can flourish without shame or harsh judgment.
The Essential Role of Self-Forgiveness
While self-compassion focuses on how we treat ourselves in the present, self-forgiveness helps us heal our relationship with our past. It means using mistakes as learning opportunities rather than reasons for self-punishment.
The Nonviolent Communication Approach to Self-Forgiveness
Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), offered a powerful framework that Martha Beck has applied to self-forgiveness. The core insight? Everything we do is an attempt to meet our basic needs—we simply go off course by trying to meet those needs with strategies that don't work.
Follow these steps to practice self-forgiveness:
Identify behaviors you're upset with yourself about
Notice any shaming language you use (words like "should" or "never")
Understand the legitimate need you were trying to meet
Allow yourself to mourn that your strategy didn't work
When you empathize with the part of yourself that was trying to meet a need—even in ways that weren't effective—a natural acceptance emerges, and within that acceptance comes forgiveness.
Self-Forgiveness in Action: Real-Life Examples
Career Decisions
Behavior: "I stayed in a draining job for years."
Shaming language: "I should have been braver." "I wasted precious time."
Need you were meeting: Security, stability, providing for your family.
Mourning: "I'm sad that staying cost me years of potential fulfillment."
Compassionate response: "I was trying to meet a genuine need for security with the resources I had at the time."
Relationship Patterns
Behavior: "I keep people-pleasing and saying yes when I want to say no."
Shaming language: "I should stand up for myself." "I'm such a doormat."
Need you were meeting: Connection, belonging, approval, harmony.
Mourning: "I feel sad that my attempts to maintain connection disconnected me from my own needs."
Compassionate response: "The part of me that wants connection is beautiful. I was using strategies I learned early in life that once helped me survive."
Health Habits
Behavior: "I've neglected my health and self-care."
Shaming language: "I should take better care of myself." "I've let myself go."
Need you were meeting: Comfort, relief from stress, efficiency.
Mourning: "I feel sad that my ways of seeking comfort haven't supported my long-term wellbeing."
Compassionate response: "I see how hard I've been working to meet many demands. My attempts to find comfort came from real needs."
The Transformative Power of Inner Harmony
When you practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness, something beautiful happens. You create inner harmony—what Martha Beck calls engaging your "compassionate witness." In this state, every part of you receives understanding, empathy flows throughout your inner world, and blame disappears.
From this place, you begin experiencing a more joyful life—seeing events as working for you rather than happening to you. The energy you once spent on self-criticism becomes available for creativity, connection, and joy.
Key Takeaways: Your Path to Being Your Own Best Friend
Recognize negative self-talk patterns and their impact on your wellbeing
Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the kindness you'd offer a friend
Use self-forgiveness to heal your relationship with past mistakes
Understand that all behaviors are attempts to meet legitimate needs
Create inner harmony by allowing all parts of yourself to be seen and accepted
The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. By cultivating self-compassion and self-forgiveness, you're not just being nicer to yourself—you're creating the foundation for a more authentic, joyful, and connected life.
Ready to transform your relationship with yourself? Start today by practicing one small act of self-compassion or working through the self-forgiveness steps with a behavior you've been judging yourself for. Notice what shifts when you become your own best friend instead of your harshest critic.
What self-compassion practice resonates most with you? Share your experience in the comments below, or reach out for more personalized guidance on your journey to becoming your own best friend.
Mentioned in podcast:
Kristen Neff - Self-Compassion
The Gathering Room Podcast: Being Great Company For Yourself (Martha Beck)
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About the Author: With over three years of podcasting experience and specialized coaching for women of faith in the mid-season of life, I'm passionate about helping women create lives they love, regardless of circumstance.
