Episode 108 - Understanding Your Context Filter
Episode 108 - Understanding Your Context Filter
On this week's episode, I am taking about what makes up our personal context filters and how understanding this allows us to shift the lens through which we see life.
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Transcription:
Hello, my friends!
Welcome to the podcast! I am so glad that you are here.
I just got off of a group coaching call with my Season of Connection Group where we are working on how to create more connection in our relationships by learning how to manage ourselves. I love the women in there and their willingness to share and learn from one another. Women are pretty amazing, especially when we love and support each other. I am so grateful for the amazing women in my circle of influence.
I want to remind you that if you are struggling with the unique challenges that come with being in the midseason of life, I would love to be your coach. Whether it is the relationship with yourself, with your spouse, with your adult child, with your co-worker, or with your best friend, I invite you to schedule a Clarity Call with me to learn more about how to create desired change in your life. Just visit my website www.seasons-coaching.com and click on the “Work with Me” tab at the top of the page. You can find the link in the show notes as well. We can chat and I can tell you about the different ways we can work together.
Now on to this week’s episode.
One of the first things I work with my clients on is understanding the difference between thoughts and circumstances. I have talked about both of these things on this podcast many times before. But, I don’t think I can talk about it too much. This is one of the foundational concepts to understand if you want to create something different in your life. Understanding the difference between the two allows you the opportunity to act instead of being acted upon.
For example, my husband is my circumstance and I am his. The words we say are also circumstances. They aren’t necessarily good or bad. They just are. There isn’t a problem until we each have a thought about the other person and what they said.
Now, does that mean we have to love what the other person says or does? No, of course not. But we empower ourselves to be our best selves when we realize that it is the way we are thinking about what they said or did that causes us to get upset, not the actual words or behaviors. Understanding this allows us to decide on purpose to act in a certain way instead of reacting to the situation.
For example, my husband may not wipe off the counter after he makes himself a sandwich. I start to feel frustrated because I am thinking that he should clean up after himself. From that frustration, I make some passive aggressive statements, complaining how he should do it differently. Or, I clean up after him while giving him the silent treatment. I blame him for my frustration and I distance myself from him. We repeat this cycle often without really having an open conversation about it because I think he should just know. In the end, I am miserable and I don’t like the person I am being.
If you have been with me long enough, you can see the CTFAR model in this situation. Husband making a sandwich and wiping the counter 0 times is the circumstance. My belief that he should know better and that he should clean up for himself is what is causing me to feel frustrated which fuels the behaviors of the passive aggressive behavior, complaining, silent treatment, playing the martyr, and distancing myself. All of this creates my experience of not liking him or me in this situation which ties back to my belief that he should be and do differently than he is.
However, when I can slow this scenario down, I can learn from the frustration I am feeling. This emotion is trying to tell me something if I listen. I don’t have to be mad or ashamed that I feel this way. It is actually normal to feel frustration when people don’t say or do the things we want them to do.
The first lesson is that my emotion of frustration is a clue that I am trying to change another person which never works. The more I try to, the more frustrated I will feel. As I have said before on this podcast, it doesn’t mean we have to love what someone says or does, we can just stop resisting who they are and what they do. Doesn’t even mean we don’t have a conversation about cleaning up after making sandwiches but we don’t have to have that conversation from a place of frustration.
So the first lesson is what is the emotion trying to teach me in this situation?
This leads me to the second lesson which I am bumping up against my personal context filter.
What is a personal context filter?
A context filter is like a pair of special glasses that everyone wears, but each person's glasses are different because they are made up of their own stories, what they believe, what they think is important, and where they come from. These glasses help them see the world in their own special way. This means that when they look at a problem, a chance to do something, or when they are talking to someone else, their glasses make them see and think about these things in their own unique way. This is how they decide to handle different things that happen in life.
Some things that make up a personal context filter
Past Experiences & Outcomes or Results in our life
Culture (ethnic, religious, family, regional, etc.)
True Self (divine self - spirit/soul, natural abilities, personality, genetics)
Current Emotional State
Core beliefs
Values
All of these things make up the lens through which we view life.
So back to my example, what would be in my personal context filter?
I value clean spaces. I enjoy feelings of peace when my environment is clean. I like to clean up after myself and that includes wiping the counter. In our culture there are a lot of examples of influencers that we can follow that show ways to be organized and how great it is. It is in my personality to tidy up. In my faith, we are taught to take care of our belongings because they are in our stewardship. I have a belief that adults should be able to clean up after themselves. The frustration I feel reinforces the belief that clean countertops would make me feel better and that my husband should change.
This filter then becomes the lens through which I view my husband’s actions which lead to my thoughts about how he should know better and that he should clean up for himself which creates my feelings of frustration that fuels how I am showing up in the situation as the person I don’t want to be. The feeling of frustration is a clue that I am bumping up against my personal context filter.
Again, I have an opportunity to learn from my feelings of frustration. I can begin to question my subjective reality and get curious about my personal context filter.
It is true I like clean spaces and that is totally ok. I like that value but it may not be someone else's value or at least to the same degree, right? On some level, I may be believing that my way of cleaning up after making sandwiches is the right way. But in reality, it is just an opinion and people have different opinions of how and when to clean up. There are also all kinds of personalities and there are no right or wrong ones. There are just personality traits. Some of them we prefer more than others and that’s ok. We even all have our own idea of what tidy even is. For some, putting the food away is enough for now and they will do the rest later. For others, it is putting the food away, wiping the counters, loading the dishwasher, and sweeping the floor right after you are done making the sandwich. Neither one is right. They are just different.
For me, I do like clean countertops. So I have decided I want to keep that. I can make requests of others in my family to clean up after themselves. But when they don’t, I get to decide to change my filter to include that everyone’s definition of tidy is different. It doesn’t have to mean anything has gone wrong. I get to decide that if a clean counter means that much to me, I can actually wipe it off without being resentful if I want to. It can be important to me without it being important to someone else. It really is ok.
When I begin looking at what is part of my personal context filter, I can begin examining it and deciding what I want to keep or let go. This really is a lot of what coaching or self-coaching is. It is taking a look at what is in our context filter and questioning it and deciding on purpose what we want in there.
Here is another example.
Let’s say you grew up believing that getting a college degree was very important. You went to college and got your degree. You have a successful career and you are able to provide for your family. You teach your children that education is important and you believe that attending college is just a given. You value learning and education. You believe that a college degree is key to living a fulfilling and productive life. Of course, college is the logical next step after high school. Then one of your children decides college is not for them and you can’t believe it. It doesn’t make sense to you.
Can you see your personal context filter at play here?
Viewing their decision, which is your circumstance, through this lens shapes your experience. You feel sad and disappointed because you are making it mean that everything has gone wrong and there is no way that their life can be as good as it could be if they were to go to college. It just feels so true.
Yet, how do you show up in your relationship with your child when looking at the situation through this context filter? Are you behaving in way that helps you be the parent you want to be? Do you feel more connected to your child? My guess is the answer is no to both of those questions.
Again, it doesn’t mean you have to love their choice but it doesn’t have to derail you either.
This is when your emotions can be a clue that it is time to take a deeper look into your personal context filter. Examining those things that may not be serving you in your relationship with your child. Curiosity is key to shifting your lens.
What if you are wrong? What if it is possible that your child might even be happier if they don’t pursue a college education? What if they are learning exactly what they need to learn by not going to college? What if whatever they decide to do, it will all be ok? What if your belief is just your opinion and it isn’t the same as your child? What if that is really ok? Of course, you might feel disappointed. It makes sense because of your filter. Let yourself feel that. But, what if you can still be the parent you want to be and have a very connected relationship with them whether they choose to go to college or not?
Using your emotions as clues can help you use questions like these to help you shift your personal context filter in a way that can help you show you up in your life and in your relationships as the person you want to be.
We don’t want to judge or be critical of our personal context filters. That isn’t the point. Objective self examination opens the door to change. Of course, we view life through the lens we do. It makes total sense because of how we were raised, the experiences we have had, and the things we value. We can validate that and still decided to change our filter.
Again, the work I do, as a life coach, is to help people take a deeper look into what makes up their personal context filters, question them, and decide what they want to keep and what they want to let go of so that they can show up in their life and relationships as the person they want to be. When we take the time to really look at the lens through which we see life, we can begin to see how this filter affects what we make it all mean, the emotions we feel, our behaviors, and our overall experiences.
If you are ready to learn more about what makes up your personal context filter so you create a life you love, I would love to be your coach and I can help you do just that. Just schedule a free Clarity Call with me and let’s get started.
