Episode 107 - Disconnecting Dances
Episode 107 - Disconnecting Dances
This week on the podcast, I am talking about what I call the "Dances of Disconnection" that we all find ourselves slipping into in our marriage relationships at one time or another. We can create greater secure connection in our relationship we can begin to recognize our patterned dances and then learning how to change the tune. This is based on what I have learned from the book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, written by Dr. Sue Johnson.
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Transcription:
I have been working on my advanced certification in relationship coaching and it has been so fun and fascinating. As part of my certification, I recently finished reading a fascinating book by Dr. Sue Johnson called Hold Me Tight. Dr. Johnson is a clinical psychologist, and the developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy also known as EFT. The point of EFT is not about communicating or arguing better, or even analyzing our past, but recognizing and admitting that we are emotionally attached to our partners much like “a child is to a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.” We can fortify the emotional connection between partners by recognizing and altering the pivotal moments that nurture mature loving relationships, which include being open, in tune, and responsive to one another.
Dr. Johnson shares a beautiful quote by Erica Jong. She says, “Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, your risk is even greater.”
My husband and I just celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary. The love we have really has been worth fighting for. It hasn’t always been easy but it has been so worth it. Love drives us to attach and provides “a safe haven from the storms of life.”
In her book, Dr. Johnson says, “This drive to emotionally attach - to find someone to whom we can turn and say ’Hold me tight’ - is wired into our genes and our bodies. It is as basic to life, health, and happiness as the drives for food, shelter, or sex. We need emotional attachments with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy - to survive.”
Think about that. Whether we are married or not, we need emotional attachments in our lives “with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy - to survive.” Marriage gives us the perfect place to create those emotional attachments and provides the opportunity to grow in the most intimate of ways.
In 1951, John Bowlby, a British psychologist and his assistant put together an experiment called the Strange Situation which sparked revolutionary studies and applications of attachment theory. The experiment was done with children and their mothers to study disconnection and reconnection which inevitably built Bowlby’s attachment theory--that all children have the need for safety, and ongoing physical and emotional closeness.
Bowlby argued that the necessity for attachment is as crucial in adults as it is in children. This perspective challenges the prevailing societal belief that true maturity equates to being independent and self-sufficient, and that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. However, Bowlby highlighted that seeking emotional support from others is not only a sign but a source of strength.
Dr. Johnson concludes from the comprehensive research done in this area that the essence of healthy and positive romantic relationships is based on the secure bond between partners and is a significant source of strength for each person in those relationships.
When we feel generally secure, we are better able to seek support for ourselves and provide it to others. Experiencing closeness is comfortable to us and we feel confident in our dependence on our loved ones.
When we feel safe and connected with our partners we can roll with the hurts that naturally come along the way in a relationship. We are also less likely to be aggressive and pushy when we feel anger towards them. We are better able to give our partner the benefit of the doubt and assume the best.
We are more empowered when we have a secure connection with our partner because we understand and like ourselves more. This allows us to be comfortable with being uncertain of the meaning or intention of our partner. This allows us to be more curious and open which can foster greater connection in our relationship.
As we are better able to reach out to our partners because we feel secure, the more we can step into our unique individuality and independence. We are better able to balance our closeness with others and our own autonomy.
There are countless studies that have been done that show that when we have positive connections with others in our lives, we are protected from stress and we are better able to cope with the challenges and trauma in our lives.
As partners, it has been shown that we actually co-regulate our body processes and our emotional lives.
I love this quote by Dr. Johnson. She says, “Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a basic primary need, like oxygen or water. Once we understand and accept this, we can more easily get to the heart of relationship problems.”
When we are feeling emotionally disconnected in our relationships it is because we don’t feel emotionally safe with each other. Underneath all of the drama and distress, we are all asking each other: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I call?
These questions highlight the fear we feel when we don’t feel secure in our relationships. Now, we all experience some fear when we have disagreements or arguments with our partners. However, when we have a secure bond, this is just a moment in time. We realize that there is no real threat and the fear is quickly tamped down. For those of us that are in a more emotionally disconnected place in our relationship, this fear can be really overwhelming. We either become more demanding and clinging in order to gain reassurance and comfort from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an effort to protect and soothe ourselves. Underneath it all, what we are really saying is, “Notice me. Be with me. I need you.” Or, “I won’t let you hurt me. I will not be emotional and I will stay in control.”
These strategies may work in the beginning but inevitably create distance and disconnection in our relationships. The greater the distance, the more distressed and insecure we become. This can create defensiveness and blame while also causing us to assume the worst about the other person and the relationship.
This is what it looks like to be out of tune in our relationships. We are distracted by our own pain and our own agendas that we don’t know how to communicate what we need or about how much we really do care. We may not even know what our needs are so this makes it difficult to articulate it to our partner. We may reach out from a place of anger or frustration because we don't feel confident in our relationship. We may demand instead of request. We may fight for power or the need to be right instead of comforting embraces. We may find ourselves focusing on actions to prove our connection such as the amount of sex we have which only gives limited expression of what we need which is actually to be emotionally close. When our bids for attention or affection come through distorted messages like these, it makes it hard for our partners to respond to us.
The longer we are disconnected in our relationships, the more negative our interactions become. These interactions become the dances of our relationships and can quickly cause us to fall out of step with each other.
We can get so caught up in the “what” of the argument that eventually it won’t matter at all. This is because arguing about the “what” doesn’t solve the problem and usually fills the relationship with resentment, caution, and distance. Each partner will view their disagreements through a negative filter or lens. This clouded lens causes us to assume the worst of the other person and it soon becomes a patterned dance that we move into as a couple without even realizing it.
However, when we can pause and slow things down, we can address the fundamental need for connection and the fear of losing it. We can begin to discover the toxic patterns or dances in our relationships.
I have talked about this before, but these toxic dance steps come from fear. This fear is normal because of our human brain. There is a part of our brain, the toddler brain, that is trying to keep us from danger in order to keep us alive. When we don’t feel secure in our relationships, this part of the brain kicks in and is trying to protect us from harm. This sense of danger can be real or even just perceived. It doesn't matter to the brain. It all feels the same.
There are a few key moments that we can be aware of that can help us navigate this sense of danger in our relationships, whether real or perceived. The first moment is when we notice an emotion come up for us that doesn’t feel comfortable. We may remind ourselves of a time when our partner was there for us and we are able to soothe ourselves and the moment moves by.
But what happens if we can’t soothe ourselves in that moment? How do we react? Do we attack or withdraw? Either one of these is trying to deal with our fear--attacking or retreating--which pushes our partner away. This then reinforces our fear of disconnection and creates distance in our relationship.
Another key moment happens immediately after the threat has passed. As partners, we have a chance to reconnect after a disagreement. We can choose to reach out to our partner and share how we are feeling and express ourselves in a way that invites connection. Or we can choose to attack and make demands.
Another key moment is when we are able to tune in to our attachment emotions and reach out for connection or reassurance and the loved one responds. We can receive this and feel comforted, we then move closer, and share more. Or we may move away and guard ourselves against our emotions not wanting to feel vulnerable. Or we may even attack the other person to see if they really care or not.
Another key moment comes after we go back to regular life. We may either feel confident in the safe haven of our relationship that we are able to move on from the moment. Or we may hold on to our insecurities while trying to control our partner so they will respond in a certain way or we may minimize our need for them at all.
We can all probably think of moments when we have reacted in these certain ways in our relationships. The truth is, each one of us have attachment needs and fears–it’s a natural aspect of the human condition. Having these needs and fears is not a fault; it’s simply how we are built. Humans are designed to seek connection, and when we sense danger in those connections amid conflict, whether it’s actual or imagined, we tend to fall back into familiar patterns of interaction or dances with our partner during disagreements.
The issue isn’t how many disagreements we have in our relationships; it’s the diminishing levels of warmth and emotional engagement. By focusing on increasing our responsive and intimate exchanges within our relationships, we initiate a rhythm that fosters connection and brings balance to our relationship and to both partners.
But the first step to creating greater connection in our relationships is to notice the unintentional patterned dance we are doing.
Dr. Johnson calls these dances “Demon Dialogues.” I call them “Dances of Disconnection”. These are dance patterns that occur when we don’t feel a safe connection with our partner. They are:
Find the Bad Guy.
Protest Polka
Freeze and Flee
First, Find the Bad Guy is where both partners are blaming each other. The need to find the person at fault doesn’t get them anywhere. The partners keep each other at least arms length, distancing themselves from one another. This doesn’t allow for re-engagement or a safe haven. This dance is usually the one that comes before what is called the Protest Polka, which is the most common of the three “Dances of Disconnection.”
In the Protest Polka dance, one partner becomes critical and aggressive and the other defensive and distant. Something that I find fascinating is that Psychologist John Gottman has found that couples who get stuck in this pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of divorcing within four or five years. The Protest Polka is basically a protest against the loss of the sense of a secure attachment in a relationship which is something we all need. One partner is demanding and the other is withdrawing. This dance is about trying to get a response, a response that connects, reassures and satisfies the need for security.
The third dance is the Freeze and Flee. This is where both partners withdraw. After a couple has been doing the Protest Polka for a while and things aren’t changing, they get tired of the dance and give up. They put their emotions and needs in a deep freeze creating only numbness and distance. Each partner is distancing themselves in an effort to escape their pain and despair. In dance terms, suddenly no-one is on the dance floor; both partners are sitting out. And as Dr. Johnson says, this is the most dangerous dance of all.
We can all get caught in any one of these negative relationship dances at one time or another. Sometimes, they can be for a short time. Other times, they can become a patterned response that we fall into. Over time, it can become a toxic pattern that is repeated over and over again. And soon the dance begins from just the slightest misstep or negativity from the other partner. If we stay in this dance too long, we undermine our ability to repair and reconnect with our partner.
So one of the first steps of strengthening our relationship with our partner is to identify the negative cycles or dances we do and recognize that they trap both partners. Discovering what dance we are currently doing will bring an awareness that opens us up to new possibilities, and we can begin to step out of these patterns by creating a new tune to dance too.
So what does this look like?
It looks like slowing down the music and noticing the moves we are making.
It is noticing the moves we go to when we don’t feel safely connected to our partner. We do these things in an effort to cope with uncomfortable feelings and we are trying to change our dance. We do these things in the hope that our partner will do something different or that we can feel better. We often begin telling ourselves a story about our relationship that supports the dance we are doing and this only creates greater distance.
When we can notice that this is what is happening, we can begin to see what we are creating in our relationship because of the dance moves we are doing. We begin to see that we are making it harder to safely connect and how we are influencing our partners dance moves. Slowing things down in our brains allows us to lengthen our lens through which we are viewing our relationship. From this perspective, we can see that every time we do our patterned moves our partner does the same. We both become trapped in pain and isolation.
Dr. Johnson suggests that when we begin to notice the dance we are doing, we can share this with our partner in an honest and kind way. Opening up a conversation from a place of authenticity and vulnerability, not one of anger or blame. She also invites couples to name their dance so we can warn each other when we notice our patterned dance beginning. Slowing down allows us to change the music of our relationship and helps us begin to step out of the dance of disconnection. From this place we can work on learning the dance steps of emotionally intimate responsiveness.
Throughout the years, whenever my husband seemed distracted during our conversations, I have struggled to feel a secure bond with him in those moments. My reaction has been to retreat and give him the silent treatment. This behavior has been my dance moves for a long time as a way of managing the hurt I feel and an attempt to shift the dance, all in the hope that I won’t continue to feel hurt. Yet, the more I have repeated this pattern, the more frustrated and resentful I feel. I find myself telling a story about how he doesn’t care about what I have to say or that I am not important to him. These dance moves make it harder for me to feel safely connected to him and then he seems to either push against my silence or he mirrors it. This patterned dance can keep us trapped in suffering and loneliness.
This familiar rhythm of dance is something we still fall back into sometimes. Yet, we are getting better at recognizing this dance. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I noticed my husband and I beginning to move in this well-rehearsed dance again. It still took a couple of days to be honest with myself about my own dance moves. However, once I am honest with myself, this allows me to begin to shift my moves and change the tune we are dancing to.
After 33 years of marriage, we aren't perfect at this yet but we are both better at noticing when we are slipping into our patterned dance. We have gotten to a place where we feel secure in our relationship, so when this dance does begin, we are better able to change the tune sooner than later. So, by learning how to change the tune and choosing to take new steps has provided us with the opportunity to create greater connection in our relationship. The act of repair and reconnection has strengthened our relationship. So just because you may find yourself in a dance of disconnection does not mean that all hope is lost. Identifying your relationship dance could be the very thing that leads you to build a relationship of emotional connection.
My invitation to you is to begin discovering what dance you and your partner are currently doing.
Is it the Find the Bad Guy? Do you find yourself stuck in blaming each other or needing to find the person who is at fault? Are you keeping each other at a distance?
Or, is it the Protest Polka? Is one partner critical and aggressive and the other defensive and distant? Is one partner demanding and the other withdrawing?
Or, is it the Freeze or Flee? Are both partners withdrawing? Are both of you putting your emotions and needs into a deep freeze? Do you feel numb and distant? Are you both sitting out of the dance of your relationship?
Again, underneath all of the drama and distress of these dances of disconnection, we are all asking each other: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I call? We are seeking emotional connection with our partner, we just don’t know how to change the dance.
By identifying your relationship dance, you can begin to choose your dance steps on purpose and discover what else is possible in your relationship. You can step out of the disconnecting patterns and begin creating a new tune to dance too and i would love to show you how.
If you want to learn more about my couples coaching offer, I invite you to schedule a Clarity Call with me to see if this is a good fit for you.
That is all I have for you. Remember you are amazing and have a joyful week!
