Episode 76 - The Waves of Emotion
Episode 76 - The Waves of Emotion
Hello, friends!
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
I am so happy you are here.
Before I get started on today’s episode, I wanted to remind you about my An Awakening Retreat that is going to be held on October 5th though October 7th. I am so excited about this year’s retreat. I have some special guests that are bringing so much goodness to this experience.
One of my guest presenters is Amber Williams. She is an Assistant Professor in the Outdoor Product Design and Development department. But that isn’t why I am having her come to the retreat. Amber is a burn survivor. She and her son survived a home propane explosion in 2004 and have experienced numerous surgeries, recoveries, and miracles. As a result of her experiences as a burn survivor, she spends a lot of her time volunteering in various programs to help other burn survivors. She has come to discover the power in accepting oneself and overcoming obstacles. Her story is a powerful one.
If you are interested in spending time near the beautiful Bear Lake with other women learning tools that will help you:
1. Refocus on what is important to you.
2. Reconnect with yourself, others and God.
3. Rejuvenate so you can step into your life with confidence
Then join us for An Awakening Retreat. Click the link in the show notes.
Now on to this week’s episode.
I want to share something that I recently taught in a presentation I did. This is something that I have addressed on this podcast but I believe it is so important to understand that it is worth repeating.
I want to share with you one thing that has made a big difference in my life. At the end of this podcast, I hope you’ll have a better understanding about what causes your emotions. It probably isn’t what you think it is. When I understood this, my life changed. I want to share a simple way to feel something different when you want to.
There are so many things that happen in our lives that seem to have the ability to bring waves of emotions. We can get caught up in these waves feeling like we are being tossed about without any control.
We may have thoughts like:
When it’s time for my presentation, I feel stressed.
When Family Night doesn’t go as planned, I feel discouraged.
When my kids don’t do their chores, I feel frustrated.
When I am extended a calling at church, I feel pressured or inadequate.
When I am in a social situation, I feel self-conscious.
When my child or spouse chooses differently in their life, I feel heartbroken or I may feel shame.
The problem with this way of thinking is that we believe that we are the mercy to our emotions. Believing that they just happen to us because of the things outside of us. This causes us to get caught in the waves of our emotions, believing we can’t catch a break. We feel uncertain and often worried about what new difficulty is just around the corner.
We end up caught in this trap where: when life is good, we feel good. But, when life is going badly, we feel bad, too. Even believing that if we were better in some way then things would go better for us. If we were righteous enough, things would work out for us.
But the truth is, none of us know what’s around the corner. Sometimes things DON’T go the way we want. We can’t control how others will respond to our presentation, how Family Night will go exactly, how our children will do their chores, how our ward members feel about us, or social situations, or the life decisions of our children or spouse.
So, now what? How do we feel better when we really don’t have control of the things around us?
The first step is understanding what causes our feelings in the first place.
The way we feel never comes from outside of us, ever. Our feelings ALWAYS come from what we are thinking.
About 8 years ago, my son was in a ski accident. My husband had taken my youngest son and daughter to go skiing with a few of my son’s friends. I stayed home that day. My son had misjudged a jump and landed wrong. He was taken to the hospital because of his injuries.
Now, the moment my son was injured, his actual crash didn’t cause me to feel anything. It is not as if, the moment he crashed, everyone that ever knew him felt immediate sadness. In fact, I was going about my day feeling quite content.
When my husband was on the way to the hospital, he called me to let me know what was going on. He said, “Rob is just fine…There has been an accident.”
That is when I started to have thoughts.
Lots of thoughts.
What are his injuries?
Is he going to be ok?
This is going to be a long recovery.
Is this going to negatively affect his life?
This is awful.
I need to go and see him and make sure he is ok.
It wasn’t until I had those thoughts, that I started to feel sad.
There is ALWAYS a thought.
So, it is never the presentation, or the Family Night, or the kids, or your spouse, or your calling, or the social situation that made you feel anything. It was your thinking about these things.
And when you slow it all down, and take a minute to notice what YOUR brain is actually thinking… you’ll start to see what I mean.
You’ll start to notice that somewhere in between the thing that happens and the feeling that is created, there is ALWAYS a thought. We don’t always notice the thought but it is there.
It probably looks something like this:
It’s my presentation (I’m not sure if I’m prepared enough) = stressed
Family Night didn’t go very well (I can’t do this or I am a terrible mother) = discouraged
My kids don’t do dishes (They should be more respectful) = frustrated or disrespected
Bishop extends a calling (I don’t think I can live up to others’ expectations) = pressured or inadequate
Social situations (I hope everyone here likes me) = self-conscious
The decisions of my children or spouse (This isn’t how it is supposed to be) = heartbroken or shame
CIRCUMSTANCES (Or the things outside us) don’t cause emotions. THOUGHTS (the words inside our brain) do. This is the bad news and good news. It is bad news because we create our emotions. It is the best news because we create our emotions. We don’t have to wait for things to change to feel differently.
Now, when we first start noticing our thoughts, it is tempting to start judging them. Don’t do that. Just start by noticing your thought and how that thought is making you feel. Many times you will notice the emotion first. That is a clue to slow down and pay attention to your thoughts.
Also, there are times that we want to feel sad, or frustrated, or discouraged. When my son had his ski accident, I wanted to feel sad. However, I encourage you to keep showing your brain that it is NOT the situation that is making you feel any certain way. It is the way we are THINKING about the situation that creates your emotions. Understanding this helps you control what you actually have control over which is not the things outside of you. For me, I wanted to feel scared and sad. I felt bad for my son and all he would face because of his injuries. However, the question became, did I want to stay in the emotional place? Was there a time that a different emotion would serve me better? The answer was yes, when I was ready for it.
When you are ready to feel something different, you are going to have to start thinking something different! This doesn’t even mean we have to just think happy thoughts. I didn’t start believing that my son’s accident was awesome and the best thing ever. But I did get to believing that things will work out and we would work through it together. Was I still sad for him? Yes. But I could show up as the supportive mom I wanted to be.
I am going to share with you what you can do when you are ready to stop being caught in the waves of emotions by the things going on outside of you.
When you start to feel anxious or stressed or any emotion at all, pay attention and slow it all down. Don’t push it away or react to it. Just be with it. Notice how it feels to you inside your body.
Then ask yourself: “What is it that I am THINKING that is causing me to feel this emotion?”
After you find the thought, remind yourself that it makes sense that you are thinking that thought. We always have a good reason for believing our thoughts. We all have a lens that we view our life through and it is different for all of us because of how we were raised and the experiences we each have had. This isn’t about judging the thought. It is just about noticing it and getting curious.
Then there are two more questions that I use when I want to get curious about a thought that is causing me a wave of emotion.
The first one is, “Is this true?”
Chances are the thought isn’t even true.
For example, the presentation includes things I know well. It is probably just that I want others to enjoy it but I don’t really have control over that anyway. I only have control over showing up and doing my best. Trusting that others will get what they need. Believing this might help me to feel determined, courageous, or maybe even optimistic instead of stressed.
I can do Family Night. I did it. I can choose to do it again and again on purpose if I want to. Again, I don’t really have control over how it will be received. I only have control over showing up each week and being the mom I want to be. Believing this may help me feel love for myself and my family instead of feeling discouraged as I continue to serve them because that is who you want to be.
Should our kids be more respectful? They are kids. They are learning how to navigate their age. It is pretty normal for kids to not want to do dishes and it doesn’t necessarily mean they are being disrespectful. It could be they just don’t want to do the dishes which is very age appropriate. You can put certain rules and expectations in place as well as the consequences that will come if they aren’t followed because you are the parent. However, you don’t have to be caught in a wave of emotion and react in frustration to do this. You only have control over the mom you want to be. Instead of frustration, you can feel respected by yourself because you showed up as the mom you wanted–following through with consequences with love not anger.
But what if your thought is true.
The second question you can ask is, “What else is true?
Yes, it is probably true that you won’t live up to the expectations of others in your calling and that’s ok. It is also true that you aren’t meant to live up to the expectations of others and that is none of your business. You can not live up to the expectations of others and still do an amazing job. You were always meant to do it your way, that is why you were extended the calling. Not because you were meant to do it perfectly. Life is full of experiences and opportunities for growth. That is the purpose of this life–becoming–and that requires messing up sometimes. That is where the learning and growth happen. Believing this may help you feel more compassion for yourself as you learn and grow.
Yes, it is probably true that there may be someone that doesn’t like you and that is okay. It actually doesn’t mean anything about you. It has everything to do with them. You only have control of how you show up in the social situation. What if it is also true that learning to step into something that feels uncomfortable is actually the way to growth. Our comfort zones don’t require much of us but the growth zone is where the magic happens. Being able to get good at feeling a little bit uncomfortable actually is going to help you become more self-confident. Being willing to feel any emotion actually paves the way to greater self-confidence. You can like you for being willing to be you.
Is it true that the choices of your children or spouse are not what you thought they would be? Probably not and that’s ok. What else is true is, we came to earth to exercise our agency. Using our agency actually helps us learn, grow, and become. It could be true that the journey your loved one is taking is part of their progression. God knows them and loves them. I love this quote by Brigham Young. It basically says that we tend to judge others on their path but that isn’t our place. “We do not know the design of the Lord concerning them.” We don’t know what thing or experience is going to help them know God. We don’t know what will soften their heart towards God. We don’t know what will turn them to Christ. What is also true is that the way we treat them can show them who He is. You could feel more hopeful and proud of yourself for continually showing up with love.
The 4 things I invite you to take away from this are:
The things outside of you don’t create your emotions, your thoughts do.
Your emotions are your greatest teachers. They can help you discover thoughts and beliefs that aren’t helping you enjoy your life or be who you want to be. And your emotions can also help you discover the thoughts and beliefs that will help you live a more joyful life.
Embrace your humanness. True change doesn’t come from judging yourself. You can never beat yourself up enough to create wanted change. Love and compassion will always fuel lasting change and it just feels better.
Curiosity is key. These three questions will help you take ownership over your emotional well-being.
What am I thinking while I am feeling this emotion?
Is it true?
What else is true?
These 4 things will help you when you are ready to feel something different. They will help you begin to take more ownership over your emotional well-being.
That is all I have for you. Thank you for being here. Have a joyful week!
Mentioned in the podcast:
If you are ready to take these concepts and apply them to your circumstances, I would love to be your coach.
Click on the following links to learn more about Seasons Coaching and my Seasons of Joy Community Facebook Group.
Are you ready to take what I teach to a deeper level? I would love to be your coach! Click HERE to learn more about my Season of Creation 12-Week Coaching package.
To contact me about speaking to your group or business, email me at jill@seasons-coaching.com.
