Episode 75 - Connection
Episode 75 - Connection
Hello Friends!
Welcome to my latest episode on the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
Before we get started, I want to remind you of the early bird pricing for my An Awakening Retreat that I am holding on October 5-7 in Garden City, Utah near Bear Lake. Early bird pricing allows you to save $100 on your registration. This pricing is available until midnight on August 31st. Grab a friend and come enjoy this opportunity to refocus, reconnect, and rejuvenate so you can step back into your life with confidence. I am also doing something even more fun to celebrate my 75th episode of this podcast. I am offering a 50% discount of the full price to someone who does the following:
Leaves a rating and a review on this podcast episode.
Mentions 3 friends on the facebook and/or instagram post for this episode.
The winner will be announced on Friday, September 1st on my social media accounts.
I would love to have you join us for this amazing experience. We have 4 workshops where you will learn practical tools to help you in your life. We also have an amazing guest speaker, Amber Williams, who is going to share her incredible story of faith, resilience, determination and choosing how to live amongst the challenges of being a burn victim.
We will also be offering yoga and meditation as part of this experience by my talented friend, Shelly Bowman.
If you are interested in the early bird pricing or the giveaway, click the links in the show notes. We would love to have you join us!
In today’s episode, I wanted to spend some time talking about connection. One of the main reasons I decided to do a retreat was to provide an opportunity for women to connect–to connect with themselves, with other women, and with God.
In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to lose sight of the importance of human connection. We're constantly on our phones, our laptops, our tablets, all in the name of staying connected. But are we really connecting?
Connection is a fundamental human need and we are each divinely designed for connection. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, just behind physiological needs such as air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing, reproduction and the need for safety such as personal security, employment, resources, health, property comes the need for love and belonging–a sense of connection. It's what makes us feel alive, valued, and loved.
Studies have shown that people who have strong connections with others are happier, healthier, and even live longer. But in today's society, true connection seems to be harder and harder to come by.
I was recently reading a Psychology Today article by Emma Seppälä, Ph.D. who is a Lecturer at the Yale School of Management. I was reading about this idea of connection and I found some fascinating points that I wanted to touch on today. I will put a link to this article in the show notes.
This article references a study that shows that lack of social connection has a greater negative impact on our health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure. But when we have strong social connections there is a 50% increased chance of longevity. Social connections strengthen our immune systems, foster faster recovery from disease, and even help us live longer.
There are also studies that show lower rates of anxiety and depression as well as higher self-esteem, being more empathetic to others, more trusting, and more cooperative.
Connectedness creates improved well-being overall.
Sadly, the opposite is true when there is disconnection.
According to this article, there is a decrease in social connection in the US and it is happening at an alarming rate. Many people are referring to it as a loneliness epidemic.
This same article refers to a study that was done in relation to how many people someone felt like they could talk about a personal problem with. In 1985, Americans claimed to only have 3 people they could confide in. In 2004, it dropped to one person they could confide in. The study also showed that 25% of Americans said that they have no one to confide in. This survey suggests that one in four people that we meet may have no one they call a close friend!”
It is no wonder people feel lonely!
Another study I found states that over 3 in 5 Americans feel lonely.
Brené Brown is a professor who studies and specializes in vulnerability and social connection at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. In an interview with the author of this article, she said: “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”
This is fascinating to me. Believing that we are loved and that we belong affects our health in profound ways.
Dr. Seppälä, also mentions that “the most interesting data-driven fact about connection is that it has nothing to do with the number of friends you hang out with, connections on Facebook, or the amount of community groups to which you belong. If you're a loner or an introvert, you can still reap the benefits.”
What if it is because a sense of connection comes from within?
Just before my mother's passing a few years ago, my father moved in with my older sister who lives nearby. To ensure that he was not alone, my other sister and I would visit him frequently. He enjoyed bowling, so we made it a weekly event, and we also arranged for home health care providers to take him out for a few hours each day to go bowling as well. He loved bowling and he was able to maintain this routine even at the age of 91, which was amazing. Our goal was to keep him active and engaged while also spending quality time with him.
However, I remember one day my 2 sisters and I were all together. My sister, who my dad was living with, said that her next door neighbor had observed my dad in the backyard a few days earlier. He was outside with my sister and some of her family. This neighbor described our dad as lonely while being surrounded by people.
We can be surrounded by people and still be lonely.
Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd or a group of your own acquaintances” like my dad?
Dr. Seppälä said that, “researchers agree that the benefits of connection are actually linked to your subjective sense of connection. In other words, if you feel connected to others on the inside, you reap the benefits thereof! In the same way, it is possible to feel connected in a group of strangers. That is good news. While many of us cannot always control the number of friends we have, one thing we can take responsibility for is the state of our mind.”
This supports what I teach all the people I work with. Connection is an emotion that is created by what we are thinking and believing. Even if we are alone a lot of the time, we can generate feelings of connection to others.
It is possible to create and nurture our feelings of connection on the inside and it begins with looking at and understanding what you are believing about yourself, about those around you, and about God.
In Brené Brown’s book, Atlas from the Heart, she says, “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
She goes on to say, “Because we can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
A lack of self-acceptance disconnects us from not only ourselves, but from others, and even from God. This disconnection breeds the desire to fit it. A counterfeit belonging.
It is easy to believe that it is up to other people to make us feel connected–that we belong. But if we are waiting for other people to take responsibility for this, we may be waiting around for a long time. Or we may always feel disappointed with how other people are choosing to include or interact with us. We will find ourselves sitting on the sidelines of our life wishing it was different and believing that it can never change.
Feelings of connection and belonging are created by the beliefs we have about ourselves. This is the best news ever. We can create greater feelings of connection and belonging when we are ready. This happens by changing some of our beliefs.
However, I want to be clear. Of course, the way we treat each other matters. We all have experiences where people mistreated us or were unkind to us. This hurts and does affect us. The way we see ourselves, others, and the world are shaped from these experiences. But when you are ready, you can begin to discover that you truly belong and it starts by first accepting yourself.
Understanding our identity is one of the most important steps in connection. There are two points I want to make here. First, we are all divine sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents who love us. Second, we are all spiritual beings having human experiences. Brené Brown talks about how understanding our shared humanity helps us see that we all belong and that our belonging isn’t in jeopardy. She says, “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
When we step into our true identity as children of God, we strengthen our sense of connection and belonging and we are better able to reach outside of ourselves to connect with others. By choosing to belong, we are better able to create opportunities for others to step into their belonging.
I don’t know if that makes sense but by nurturing our belonging we invite belonging and connection with others.
Let’s look at some examples.
When I believe that I am not good enough, I feel ashamed. I am believing that something is wrong with me as a person. This belief and the feeling of shame keep me from truly being myself which disconnects me from myself and from others. I withdraw and separate myself from others which only creates greater disconnection.
However, when I believe that I am a spiritual being having a human experience just like everyone else, I feel acceptance and belonging. I am believing that it is about progress not perfection and that we are all in this together as one big human family. I allow myself to be vulnerable and a little uncomfortable as I navigate really being present as myself with the people in my life–living in alignment with my ideals and my values.
When I believe that people are judging me and leaving me out, I feel excluded. This may cause me to try to fit in by trying to be more like someone else instead of myself. I seek the acceptance of others. I pick myself apart and focus on all the flaws of others and myself. This is disconnecting and feels terrible because I am not being who I really am. I am judging myself and judging those that I believe are judging me. I am doing the very thing I am accusing them of.
However, when I believe that I am not necessarily for everyone and that’s ok, I feel a confident self-acceptance. I am confident in who I am and what my ideals and values are regardless of what others think. I make decisions and act in ways that are aligned with the values and ideals that are important to me. This confident self-acceptance helps me to connect with myself which also helps me see the humanity in others which invites connection.
Creating greater connection with ourselves and others really is an inside job. It requires vulnerability and self-confidence. Allowing yourself to be your true self around others while at the same time being willing to feel any emotion in the process. This isn’t easy and as Brene Brown says, it takes courage.
Are you up for the challenge?
What would your life be like if you could be courageous enough to be vulnerable and uncomfortable on your way to creating greater connection in your life?
Creating greater connection can feel uncomfortable in the beginning but that is where the growth and the becoming happens. It takes practice and it takes being intentional. Connection doesn’t just happen. It is a choice.
So what are you going to choose today?
That is all I have for you today. Thank you so much for being here and have a joyful week!
Mentioned in the podcast:
https://newsroom.thecignagroup.com/loneliness-in-america
If you are ready to take these concepts and apply them to your circumstances, I would love to be your coach.
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