Episode 8 - Season of Discovery
Episode 8 - Season of Discovery
This is episode #8 titled Season of Discovery
In Tanya Dalton’s book, the Joy of Missing Out, she talks about Marble Jar Moments. You remember. It is an old tactic that teachers have used forever. I have used it myself when working with children. Basically, everytime the children do something good, you drop a marble in a jar. When the jar fills up, the class earns a reward of some kind. But, half the fun is watching the jar fill up. The kids get excited when they can watch and hear the marble rattle into the jar.
Tanya goes on to talk about how she believed in the power of the marble jar because it reinforces good work. We all want to be recognized for our efforts, right? We want people to notice the good we have done and to get credit for it. We all have an invisible marble jar we carry around with us, begging to be filled.
Got up and worked out…..marble jar! Cleaned the house….marble jar! Cooked a healthy dinner….marble jar! And so our day continues with marbles clinking and filling our jars.
But there is a problem with these imaginary jars when something doesn’t go quite right. We forget to set the alarm and get up late, we forget something on our grocery list, we miss a deadline and we don’t just say, “Ooops! No marble in the jar.” We feel defeated and discouraged and we loosen the grip and allow our jar to slip out of our hands and crash to the floor. Marble and glass are everywhere. It doesn’t matter that the jar was almost full. It doesn’t matter that we had done really well. All. Day. Long. Instead of picking up the perfectly good marbles we earned, we decide we need to hustle to earn more marbles.
Then we think we have to do more and be more that we fill our lives so full in an effort to fill our jars. We get so overwhelmed, we lose count of all the marbles we have. We believe that our value and worth come from our efforts to fill our jars. Getting caught up in the busyness we lose sight of our values and priorities.
We have marble jar moments all the time which create and reinforce our beliefs about ourselves, others, the world, and God.
In working with my clients, we work on discovering these stories.
These false and limiting beliefs about their lives and themselves.
The stories that are holding them back from creating an extraordinary life.
Stories that tell them that they don’t do enough or they aren’t enough.
Stories that tell them that things outside of themselves will make them happy.
Stories that tell them other people need to just change and then life will be good.
Stories that have high standards and that aren’t realistic.
We all have stories like these and they feel so true.
If we don’t learn to manage our minds we end up starring as the victim instead of the hero of our own stories.
Oprah Winfrey has said, “Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life, because you become what you believe.”
Thoughts we think create the life we live and who we become.
I want to say here that nothing is wrong with you because you have negative thoughts or stories.
This is normal.
The human brain is wired for what scientists call negative bias. This wiring kept our ancestors safe from known and unknown dangers from the beginning of time. This is something we have continued to carry with us. This isn’t a problem, we just need to understand our brain and practice rewriting the stories that are holding us back from creating a more joyful life.
One of the easiest ways to spot a story that isn’t realistic and that is keeping you stuck is to pay attention to the absolutes, using words like always, never, should, need to, have to.
A good mom never yells at her kids.
A good friend always replies to a text right away.
A good wife should keep the house clean.
A good person needs to say yes to serving on the PTA.
A healthy person is never overweight.
A good person has to put others first.
These stories seem innocent enough but they are sneaky lies that our brains offer us which actually create limiting beliefs that hold us back. Stories like these demand we spend our time and efforts in a way that doesn't help us create the life we want. We get caught up in following imaginary rules and expectations because we think we are supposed to.
One of the stories that I told myself for a long time was that I needed to say “yes” to things people asked me to do. That is what good people do. They serve on committees, the PTA, service projects, church callings, babysitting. You name it, I said “yes” to it. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I believe service or doing things for others is wrong. But what I am saying is, most of my yess came from obligation, expectations, and people-pleasing. I would say yes to anything and everything and then not have time for anything else. I lost sight of my priorities and values. This left me feeling overwhelmed and resentful which also led to feelings of guilt and shame. I had to begin to shift what I believed it meant to be a good person. I had to begin to rewrite my stories. Setting realistic expectations for myself. I am not perfect at this yet but I am practicing. My story is now: Good people do the best they can by saying yes and no.
Sometimes our stories are not as sneaky. They are blunt and cruel such as:
You are a terrible person.
You are not a good friend.
You are fat.
You aren’t enough.
You shouldn’t even try.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We will never shame ourselves into becoming better.
How do we treat a child who is struggling? We love them. We listen to them. We don’t judge them. We encourage them. What if we could treat ourselves the same way?
In Jon Acuff’s book, SoundTracks, he shares 4 questions to ask yourself when you have a negative story about yourself.
Is it true?
Is it helpful?
Is it kind?
Would you say it to your younger self?
I would add to this last one something that Rachel Heart, a life coach, recently shared at a mastermind I attended. She invited us to post a picture of our younger selves somewhere that we see regularly. Are the stories you are telling yourself about yourself something you would say to your younger self? My guess is that you probably wouldn’t say them to anyone else, especially a child.
Is it time for you to look at your stories? Are you ready to tell a different story? What if it is possible that you are actually the hero of your own story?
I want to share with you 6 things to help you write a new story.
Notice the negative thoughts and stories. Pay attention to the narration of your life without judgment
Remember that you are human with a human brain. Your brain is doing its job at trying to keep you safe. There is nothing wrong with you.
Start to question your story. Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? Would you say it to younger you?
Give equal airtime to what is amazing about you. We are all amazing and we had nothing to do with it. Our God, our Creator made us. We came to earth with value and worth already. We don’t have to earn that.
There is power in the word “and.” Often, we live in a world of either/or. We are either a good person or a bad person. A healthy person or an unhealthy person. A good mom or a terrible mom. We are actually human which opens us to “and.” We are wonderful and a mess. We are good and bad. We can embrace this duality and we can quiet the shameful stories. The more we own that we have weaknesses and strengths we can stop holding ourselves back with unrealistic expectations. We invite grace into our lives.
Find a story that you can begin practicing in place of an old, outdated story you are ready to let go of. A good person serves the best they can by saying yes and no. I am loving myself by taking care of my body. A good friend loves her friends the best she can. A good mom loves her family the best she can. I am showing up as the person I want to be. I can show up for others by showing up for myself.
These 6 suggestions will help you as you begin to reframe and rewrite your stories on your journey to create a more joyful life.
If these suggestions don’t seem to help you and you are struggling to break free of your stories, please remember that you are not alone and I encourage you to seek professional help.
Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, I would love it if you would share it with your friends and family and leave me a review. I would love to share this with more people.
If you would like to learn more about what life coaching is, please feel free to schedule a FREE discovery call where we can work through something that is causing you a problem. Just go to seasons-coaching.com You can also learn more about my Seasons of Joy Coaching Program and my Seasons of Joy Community there too.
Have a joyful week!
To schedule a free Discovery Call, join my Seasons of Joy Facebook Group, and register for my upcoming An Awakening Retreat go to Seasons Coaching.
