Episode 3 - Pause to Ponder
This is episode number 3 titled Pause to Ponder. This is the second part of The Pause Principle that I will be teaching you over the next few weeks. If you haven’t listened to episode 2 – Pause to Process, I encourage you to do so and see how these fit together.
To me pondering is about getting curious and asking questions.
Questions reveal existing thoughts and can also help direct the mind to think new ones. One of the most powerful questions is “why.” It seems simple and innocent enough but it inspires increased consciousness. By asking “why,” we can go inside our minds and find the meaning and intention that drives us.
For a long time I was running on autopilot in my life. I was operating from what I learned in my youth. I didn’t really question certain things or evaluate whether they still applied. I was living a reactionary life. I wasn’t writing a new story. I was living in a recycled one. I wasn’t asking myself questions so I wasn’t creating more of what I wanted in my life. I had lost connection with myself, with others and God.
Many people believe that their environment, culture, family, and/or their boss are causing them to not have the life they want. But the truth is, we all create what we do or don’t have in our lives.
This isn’t about blaming ourselves but taking responsibility. This is so empowering. If we are the ones creating what we have right now in our lives, we have the power to create something different.
When I began to ask myself high quality questions, empowering questions, I was able to get creative and inspiring answers. These questions helped my brain begin working on searching for answers.
So what is an empowering question?
I will begin with the opposite.
When we ask ourselves a negative question, we will get a negative answer.
For example, if you ask yourself, “Why can’t I lose weight?” You may find all kinds of answers that don’t serve you such as “I am too old to lose weight.” “I have no will power.” “I am lazy.” “It’s just not possible.” –All the reasons why you can’t lose weight–Inviting negative, self-defeating answers. The questions themselves actually incorporate negative beliefs which in turn leads the brain to look for ways to prove that particular thought true.
However, if you incorporate an empowering belief into the question, you will actually come up with an answer that is just as empowering. Such as, “How have I been successful at this?” or “How can I enjoy this process?” “How will this be fun?” Questions like these can lead you to find positive thoughts that will help you focus your mind on finding creative and wonderful ideas and solutions that will help you reach your desired goal. You will find wisdom within you that you might not have known existed. The higher quality question, the higher the quality the answer will be.
So I invite you to take a moment right now and see if you can identify the questions you ask yourself on a regular basis. Is there one that is especially hard for you? Is this question empowering or is it not? If it isn't, change it immediately. Find a question that will work for you and then write it down on a post it note and put it up in your house. You’ll be amazed at what your brain will come up with by just asking the right questions.
Once I was able to process the emotions I was creating for myself as I talked about last week, I was able to pause and ponder who I actually wanted to be, what I wanted to create in my life, and what I want to put into the world while I am here. By not allowing myself to process my emotions, I was blocking myself from creating a life on purpose. I was living a reactionary life. I wasn’t allowing God to help me write my story. The story I was writing was one that I was starring as the victim instead of the hero. By allowing myself time to ponder and ask empowering questions, I began to discover and rediscover things I enjoy doing. Instead of believing I was a victim of my circumstances, I was now a creator. Rediscovering who I was allowed me to move away from being only focused on myself. As I started to connect with myself through these questions this opened me up to more connection with others and with God.
Another part of pausing to ponder is holding space for yourself and others. As humans, we all have opinions that we like to insert into the stories we tell to try and sell them on our point of view. Our close friends or family that we are sharing these things may react to what we are saying by agreeing or disagreeing. This is not holding space. To hold space means to view from a neutral but loving place where thoughts and emotions can be examined, unraveled and understood from a place of curiosity and not judgment.
One of the best ways to hold space for yourself is to ask yourself questions about what you are thinking, feeling, doing, or creating. Questioning your thoughts is so powerful. When you are experiencing a problem, step back and ask yourself some questions. I am going to give you 7 questions you can ask yourself with examples to help you see the power of questions.
What if I am wrong about all of this?
When we are struggling with someone, often we are so focused on being right that we aren’t open to other possibilities. You may be rolling your eyes right now and saying that there are times that you are just right. That may be true. But what if you could be open to being wrong? It isn’t about saying you are wrong and they are right. It is about being open and inviting the possibility. Holding so tightly to being right actually limits our ability to connect with ourselves, others and God.
What else do I want to believe?
So many times we have all or nothing thinking. For example, many of us who want to lose weight struggle with loving and accepting ourselves. We believe we can’t fully do that until we lose the weight. That somehow if we are unkind and unloving to ourselves then we will create change. We may experience short term change by being hard on ourselves but it won’t last long. We think we can only hold one belief or the other. I love and accept myself or I want to lose weight. The true is both are true. You can love yourself and want to lose weight. You can choose to believe both.
I wonder why I am choosing this thought?
Of all of the thoughts in the world sometimes we deliberately choose thoughts that do not serve us. There was a time in my life that I believed I wasn’t good enough because of the choices of my past. I carried my belief about myself and my choices in a hypothetical purse with me everywhere I went. Of all the thoughts I could think, that I wasn’t enough, is what I chose for a long time. At the time it didn’t feel like a choice. It felt like a fact. But the truth is it was a lie and I was choosing it over and over again. The truth is all thoughts are optional. Now instead of believing I am not enough I believe I am a human have this earthly experience which includes learning, growing, and becoming. My experience and choices have made me who I am today and I love me. Sometimes it feels impossible but what is the downside of choosing something different? Again, why am I choosing this thought?
What feels most like love?
Sometimes we just have to step back and ask ourselves this question because love always feels better and it is always available. The other day I texted one of my children to invite them to dinner the following day. I didn’t get a text back until 15 minutes before the scheduled dinner time. There are a few ways that I could of handled it. One, I could have texted them about how disappointed I was and point out how inconsiderate they were and felt frustrated all evening. Two, I could have just ignored the text and give them the silent treatment and then complain to my spouse how inconsiderate and felt frustrated all evening. See the pattern? But there is a third choice. I could ask myself this question, what feels most like love? Then that actually leads me to consider that there may be a good reason he didn’t text me sooner and it really wasn’t anything wrong with me. It was just something that happened and remind myself it really isn’t a big deal. It is just a dinner. Then send a text that says “no worries.” Again, what feels most like love?
How do I want to feel?
If we can identify how we want to feel then we can begin discovering thoughts that will help us create that emotion. Many times we don’t take the time to consider how we want to feel. For a long time, I felt frustration for things and other people’s choices outside of my control. I would just live with frustration believing it was happening to me. For me, it wasn’t about feeling happy about those things but it was about choosing deliberately and intentionally to feel something that served me better. I decided I wanted to feel curious instead of frustrated. This has been so good for me. I have practiced and have become better at feeling curious instead of repeated frustration. Often I get there by saying either out loud or in my head “that’s interesting.” Right away the frustration softens and I seek to understand. It also helps me not resist the things outside of my control and at times create the feeling of compassion.
Who do I want to be?
This is one of my favorites. Again looking to the future at who we want to be in 5 minutes, 3 months or 10 years. Who do I want to be in this moment when things outside of my control happen? Do I want to mirror the emotions or actions of others such as hate, anger, or unkindness? Or do I want to use my agency to create more love, compassion, or joy? When someone posts something online that I don’t agree with, do I jump and begin to tell then what I think of their opinion? Or, When someone I am doing business with is frustrated and angry about something that is outside of my control, do I match his frustration and anger? Or do I ask myself who I want to be in that moment? Do I want to be accountable for the things within my control, calm in my response and non-judgmental of his reactions? Again, who do I want to be?
What result do I really want?
Have you allowed yourself to slow down enough to consider what you want to create more of in your life? Living a reactionary life will not create the results that you want in your life. In our culture, women have often put their wants aside as they care and nurture loved ones. If we aren’t careful, we can lose connection with ourselves and we may forget what we used to like to do. Or even what we have dreamed of doing. By defining where we want to go then we are better able to intentionally choose the actions that will get us there.
How might the opposite be true?
What would I be thinking if this wasn’t a problem?
What would it be like to not think about this?
What do I want my action to look like?
What does someone that has already done this think?
What will be different about me once this is solved for?
What would my future self tell me?
When we take the time to pause and ponder and ask questions, we open up so many possibilities. There is so much power in the pondering. I invite you to ask yourself more questions and see what you discover.
Thank you for listening. Stay tuned for next week’s episode for the third and final part of The Pause Principle.
Have a joyful week!
To learn more about me go to Seasons Coaching.
