Episode 102 - Now What?
Episode 102 - What Now?
Hello, my friends
Welcome to the podcast!
I wanted to remind you about my upcoming workshop, Navigating Midlife with Grace: Strengthening Connection with Self, Others, and God. I am beyond excited to share this with you.
Are you a woman of faith in the midseason of life who has lost connection with yourself, in a relationship with someone, or with God?
Then this workshop is perfect for you. I am bringing together 3 other amazing women to create an amazing experience where we will share tools that will help empower you to deepen those relationships. This is an opportunity to gather with other women of faith in a safe and supportive space to share experiences, and connect with one another.
This is an in-person workshop and it will be held on March 23rd from 9 am - 3 pm in Cache Valley, Utah, just about 10 miles outside of Logan, Utah.
We will be incorporating mindfulness and restorative practices throughout the workshop to provide you opportunities to be still and reflect on what you are learning.
There will be multiple opportunities to be coached or watch coaching live. This provides a beautiful opportunity to actually see the concepts you will be learning applied to real circumstances.
You can learn more about my Navigating Midlife with Grace workshop by visiting my website: www.seasons-coaching.com/workshops.
Registration is open until Friday, March 15th and is limited to 35 women.
We would love you to be one of them.
Now on to this week’s episode.
I have been thinking about this idea for a while and I am excited to share it with you today.
Years ago, when I was struggling in some of my relationships, I felt so helpless. I felt like that was where I was and just how life was going to be. I was a victim of all of it. Maybe you have felt that way or you still feel that way. It feels pretty hopeless and disempowering, doesn’t it?
Until one day, I realized that it didn’t have to continue to be that way.
I really could be in the driver seat of my life experience but I had to make a choice.
Did I want to stay stuck believing life was just happening to me and feeling hopeless and disempowered for the rest of my life?
Or did I want to figure out the answer to this question, now what?
In working with clients, we get to a point where we have figured out what they are struggling with or what the problem is. We also discover how they have contributed to it and what this has created for them. That awareness is important, but again, there is now a choice to be made. Do they want to stay where they are or are they ready to move forward and begin to create something different for themselves?
Self-awareness alone doesn’t help us move forward. Once my clients realize that their beliefs create their emotions which fuel their behaviors which ultimately create their experiences they have a tendency, as did I, to shame themselves. They go from blaming their spouse, their kids, or someone or something else to believing that they should just get their act together and do better. They move from judging the things or people outside of them to judging themselves. This is a pretty common pattern. Yet, it does the exact opposite of what they really want and it keeps them stuck in shame.
It is important to understand that once we have gained awareness, we have to couple it with acceptance and compassion. This is what I call the progress formula, awareness + acceptance + compassion = progress. This is where true change can take place. The better we get at doing this for ourselves the better we can be at doing it for others.
For example, once I understood that I was expecting others to be different than they were and believing if they did change then I could feel better, that was huge. I could let go of the need for the things or people outside of me to change. This allowed me to drop the rope of unrealistic expectations and the need for control of things I couldn’t control. However, then I began turning those expectations inward. What was wrong with me, why couldn't I just move on? If it is just my thinking then I just needed to change my thoughts so I could feel better. I wasn’t accepting or having compassion for myself which kept me stuck feeling terrible.
As humans, we all have this tendency to either blame or shame. It is easy to get caught in this loop, not knowing how to get out of it. It is like a little dance we do and many of us get really good at it. We bounce between the two quite easily but we actually end up standing on our own toes and causing a lot of suffering for ourselves.
So what is the solution?
Well, once we gain awareness of what is causing us a problem, we have to apply the rest of the formula, acceptance + compassion.
What does that look like?
Acceptance looks like this, accepting what is. That doesn’t mean we love what is. It doesn’t mean we don’t have certain conversations or don’t do something different moving forward. It just means we are no longer resisting what is or trying to control things we can’t control.
Examples:
Other people’s behavior. Other people say or do things we don’t love but it just is. The words they say or the things they do just are. They really don’t have meaning until we attach meaning to them.
The weather. This winter has been interesting here where I live. We have been doing a winter/spring dance for the last month. I definitely cannot change the weather even if I wanted to. I can get mad and complain but it just is.
My knee. I have a knee that I had surgery on a few years ago and it still gives me trouble. I will probably need surgery again to replace it at some point in my future. Don’t love it but it just is.
The number on the scale. Don’t always love that number but it doesn’t mean anything about me. It just is. It is the gravitational pull of my body to earth. It is data. It is information. I can make certain choices with this information. A person’s value or worth aren’t tied to this number. It just is.
The amount of money we have in the bank. This is just a number. We may have a lot of thoughts about it and what it means about our situation or who we are as a person but none of that is true. The amount of money we have just is. It doesn’t define us or determine who we are as a person. Again, we may not love the amount of money that is showing in our account but it just is. We can make decisions from this information.
The past. This is a tough one for many of us. We look at how we handled a situation or a choice we made in the past and we want to go back and change it so badly. However, the past is in the past. We can’t change it no matter how hard we try. Byron Katie said something like, when we argue against reality, we only lose 100% of the time. We lose because it is a battle we cannot win unless we surrender. Surrender to what is.
Again, it isn’t about loving what is. It is about accepting what is and surrendering to it so we can move forward.
Once we can get to acceptance, we need to add some compassion.
This could look like:
Understanding that we are children of God and we came to this earth with our value and worth intact. Believing that we were born with it and it can’t be taken away. No one is better or worse than anyone else.
But, also, understanding that we are all messy and flawed in some way. None of us are perfect. We are just doing the best we can with what we know and with what we have been given.
Also, understanding that we all have a personal filter or a lens through which we see life. This lens is such a big part of us, most of the time, we don’t see that we may be viewing something totally different than someone else because of this personal lens. It doesn’t mean that we are right and they are wrong. It just means we each have good reasons for our perspective.
This personal filter includes things like the way we were raised or our past experiences. The color of our skin. The opportunities we were given. Our religious or political views. Our gender. Our culture. Our marital status. Our trauma. Our education or professional training. And so many more.
We don’t have to judge these filters but we can recognize them for what they are and have compassion for others that have a totally different lens than we do. We all do have good reasons for what we are believing and feeling. Compassion invites understanding and understanding invites connection with ourselves and others.
Once we have applied the progress formula of awareness + acceptance + compassion, we can progress on the path of wanted change. I believe the first step is this question, “So, now what?” This seems like such a simple question but it is a powerful one.
From that point, you get to decide what you will do next. How you respond really is all you have control over. You can either do the dance of patterned reaction or you can begin creating your patterned response by asking yourself, “now what?”
For example, let’s say your husband didn’t fold the laundry like you asked him to. You have a choice to make. You can show up in your patterned way which might look like complaining while you do folding the laundry, or giving him the silent treatment while you do it, or making passive aggressive comments as you do it, all while feeling resentful and not liking yourself. The way you show up doesn’t make him show up a certain way but it definitely influences how he shows up. He also has a patterned response to the relationship dance you both typically fall into. This is one way of choosing what is next.
Or, you could pause and tell yourself, “Okay, husband didn’t do what I asked of him. I don’t love that. I wish he would have but he probably has a good reason for not doing it. I don’t always do everything I am asked to do when I say I will. I could assume that there was no ill intent and this really has nothing to do with me even though I wish he would have done it. Maybe he had a hard day. Maybe he forgot. I forget sometimes too. So, now what?”
It could look like going to your husband and saying, “Hey, husband. How are you? I noticed that you didn’t get the laundry folded. Is everything okay?” And doing it with genuine concern. Then this allows him to tell what is going on for him. He may apologize and say that he totally forgot and he will get to it. He may say he just didn’t feel like it because of something that happened during the day at work that was bothering him. This gives you the opportunity to listen and support him with something he may be struggling with while you fold the laundry together.
This is a simple example but it illustrates the opportunity of choosing what now.
Different circumstances and the personal filters through which we view them can be more challenging than others so I don’t mean to oversimplify or discount those experiences. That is why I introduced the progress formula in the beginning. No matter the circumstance, in order to progress or create wanted change, we have to allow for acceptance and compassion with the awareness first. This builds a foundation that you can stand strong on when you ask the question, “now what?”
This powerful question allows you to step forward from a place of safety and security because you have shown yourself, as well as others, acceptance and compassion. This takes you from disempowerment to empowerment.
You become the creator of your story and your life experience. This feels so much better!
So my invitation to you today is to begin applying the progress formula to a situation you are struggling with. How can you gain more awareness? What is part of your personal filter that you are viewing your experiences through? Can you question some of those things in your filter? How can you show yourself more acceptance and compassion? Is it possible to show more acceptance and compassion for others? If not now, that’s okay. Start where you are. Give yourself time and I would even invite you to consider asking the Savior for help in this area. Can He help you see things differently? Then, from that place can you begin asking yourself, “now what?” How do you want to choose to show up in your life? In your story?
That is all I have for you today. Thank you for being here. I hope you can take something away from this episode that will help you today become the creator you were meant to be.
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