Episode 69 - Disappointing Others
Episode 69 - Disappointing Others
Hello my friends!
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
I'm so glad you're here and I am excited about this episode.
I had the opportunity this weekend to do some reflecting some personal reflection if you will.
And I wanted to share that with you today.
I actually usually write my podcasts out and have a lot of notes but this one is going to be a little more ad lib.
I want to talk frankly and openly about some of the things that I thought about this weekend.
But before I get started, I just wanted to remind you of the two ways that you can work with me.
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So today's episode is called What Matters.
And the reason why I chose this topic is because of an experience that I had this weekend.
This weekend, I attended a funeral of a dear friend— in a way a family member.
This person is my son-in-law's father and I'm gonna say his name is Dale, but I'm not going to give you his whole name.
Dale was about my age and he has been sick for over 30 years and he's battled some some hard sicknesses.
I was first introduced to Dale because my daughter started dating his and his wife's son.
I really didn't get to know them until our kids married each other.
And that's a whole other story in and of itself.
But we came to know each other because our kids married each other and from the time that I first really met them, I knew that I admired and loved them.
They both, he and his wife Shelly, are such good people.
Kind people who have, for whatever reason, been asked to carry a burden that's very big, that many of us won't ever have to carry, that of physical health—debilitating health issues.
He has been in and out of hospitals,
He has had so many surgeries, I've even lost count, many trips to the ICU, many bouts with cancer, kidney transplants, and many things that I don't even know still.
But he battled this with such dignity and grace.
We had the opportunity to gather as friends and family to honor his life.
As I sat there during this service, there was a lot of emotion, but a lot of amazement of a life well lived.
And the thing that got me thinking was this idea of sometimes we look at health challenges as something that can affect our happiness,
If we have an illness or a circumstance where our health isn't ideal or what we would like it to be, we could believe that affects our ability to be happy.
And again, these circumstances that are out of our control—they're not of our choosing,
That they can affect our happiness.
But the thing that I learned this weekend— or I should say was reiterated to me because it's something that I believe— our circumstances do not dictate our happiness.
They really don't.
For so many people, they believe that their circumstances—their health, their weight, their pocketbook, the amount of money in their bank, their marital status—all these external things bring happiness.
But again,this opportunity that I had this weekend reiterated that that's not true.
We can show up in the world as a pretty awesome person and have a pretty great life when our circumstances aren't ideal—when our circumstances feel heavy and hard—and in some ways beyond our ability to do.
But this man who entered my life in 2017 officially, as my daughter's father in-law—he entered it.
I have gained a new respect and a new perspective for the challenges that we face in our life,
We can look at somebody that seems to have everything,
The money.
The health.
The house.
The car.
Even some relationships that maybe we wish we had.
And think that if we had those things that we could be happy.
But that's not how it works.
We decide to be happy.
We choose to be happy by focusing on the things that matter most to us—the things that really matter.
So, as I sat there and I listened to each of the speakers— which were children, in-laws, and his own wife— talk about his remarkable resilience.
His remarkable tenacity to just stay positive.
And I don't say this in any way to say that we should be happy and giddy and joyful all the time.
We're going to feel discouraged sometimes.
That's normal,
But what Dale did was face these challenges with faith and hope.
He didn't let the hard things that he was facing affect how he showed up in the world.
He was able to strip away the things that many of us let cloud what we focus on.
Because of his view of his mortality was a little more clear he could see an end perhaps a little more than we can.
He was able to focus on those things that were important to him and those things were his family, his faith, and his friends.
He focused on spending time, quality time, with people.
He took the time to play with his grandkids.
He never was too busy for them.
He was able to be an example to his family in regards to attitude,
He could go through some of the hardest things that any of us could even think of facing with an attitude of gratitude for each day he had.
He believed in the people that were closest to him.
He believed in his kids and his in-laws in his family members.
He believed in them and he was able to show them by the way he treated them.
He took the time to get to know those that married into his family.
I think of my daughter and her relationship with him and it's a cherished one.
They spent time to connect.
He connected with his grandkids in a way that I haven't even done to some degree.
He would really play with them.
And I'm not saying I don't play with my grandkids, but I think that his was a different level of play,
The tea parties, the building of airplanes, the teaching people how to cook.
I just am so amazed by the time he spent.
When you consider how much time was spent in a hospital, the rest of the time that he wasn't in a hospital he was connecting with those that meant the most to him.
He didn't let anger get in his way.
He didn't let judgment get in his way.
And one of the things that his son shared in his talk—my son-in-law—was everybody has a story,
He understood that everybody has life experience that leads them to do and say certain things and that we just can't judge anybody because we don't know the road they've walked.
The other thing that I thought was so interesting was in his program there were people that were listed that weren't his own kids or own grandkids.
They were listed as bonus kids and bonus grandkids.
I think that tells us something too—how he valued those relationships in his life.
He treated them as if they were his kids or grandkids.
I just loved it so much.
Another comment that was made was by his daughter.
She said that he said, “don't ever let little things get in the way. Family is everything.”
Whatever your family looks like, maybe it's a family that's not by blood.
What does your family look like?
Does family mean everything when we die?
We can't take the things of this world with us.
We can take our memories and our relationships with us.
So are we letting the little things get in the way?
The other thing that I was so impressed with was they kept talking about the relationship of Shelly and Dale.
They talked about how they just read each other.
They just took time to be with each other and they took the time to strengthen that relationship because that's what they had.
They didn't let the other stuff get in the way.
They focused on their relationship.
The other thing I remember as we were sitting there later, my husband and I were talking and he said,
“Wow, Dale really made me feel bad.”
I don't think that was the point of this service.
It wasn't to listen and compare ourselves to so that we would feel bad about ourselves or that in some way we needed to do it just like he did.
But what if we put the same amount of energy into the things that mattered to us, into the people that matter to us?
Could we show love in a way and treat each other in a way that it's like our last time with them?
Because really we don't know when the last time will be that we are with the people we love.
And I heard someone say, I wish I could remember who said this.
But it was what if we told the people we loved the things we would tell at their funeral.
That's something to consider.
Are there people in our life that we haven't told how we really feel about them?
Are there people in our life that we have put off spending time with thinking that we'll have another day?
Or when things slow down then we can spend time with them?
We'll make time with them later.
But what if there isn't a later?
What if we could really live life in the moment.
Without regrets.
Without worrying what people think.
Just live all in.
Live all in with love,
Deep, deep love.
Love we talk about.
Love we share.
Love we spend time in.
What are those things that you've been wanting to tell someone that you haven't for a while?
What would it look like if you could do that?
Now, what are the things, who are the people, that mean the most to you?
How can you be the person you want to be in those relationships?
What do you need to ask yourself?
What do you need to question about yourself?
What do you need to balance out?
What do you need to align with?
What are those values that you want to align with?
I hope this episode made sense.
It's a little bit of a ramble,
But in essence, it's opportunities like a funeral that give us time to pause to reflect on what are those things that matter most?
Who are those people that matter most and what am I doing to show their importance in my life?
Do I need to start removing some things in my life so that I can focus on being who I want to be?
Loving deeply those in my life.
Showing up from a place of love instead of from a place of being critical or unkind or judgmental.
What does love look like in your life?
How can you show it to the people that you love the most?
That's all I have for you.
Thank you for being here and have a wonderful day.
If you are ready to take these concepts and apply them to your circumstances, I would love to be your coach.
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