Episode 70 - Decision Makers with Julie Balkman
Episode 70 - Decision Makers with Julie Balkman
Hello, friends.
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
I'm so excited to be here today.
I'm excited to share a conversation that I recently had with fellow life coach Julie Balkman.
But before I get started, I wanted to talk a little bit about my upcoming retreat.
It's going to be held this October 5th through seventh in Garden City, Utah.
It's by the beautiful Blue Bear Lake.
It's going to be an opportunity to reconnect, refocus, and rejuvenate.
It's an opportunity to meet new people and to learn tools and skills but will help you live a life you love.
Tips and tools that will help you create greater connection with yourself, with those you love—those people in your life—and with God.
If you are ready to take the things that I teach on this podcast to a personal level, this retreat is the perfect spot to do that.
Last year, I had such a wonderful time at the retreat and I would love to have you with me this year.
Here is what Denice had to say about it.
“I loved everything that was offered. But my biggest takeaway is that women are innately amazing. I met women who are unique yet we are all the same. I love that the Gospel guides and directs us and that we can invite that guidance into our lives or not. But as we do, we come to meet our divine selves. Jill, thanks for all your thought and hard work in providing this amazing experience.”
If you are ready to be one of these women, I would love to have you come and join me this October in Garden City, Utah.
So, be sure to click the link in the show notes to join the interest list today.
Now, here's my conversation with Julie.
[Transcription]
This is Jill Pack with the Seasons of Joy podcast.
This is episode number 70 entitled decision makers with Julie Balkman.
Are you a woman of faith who is struggling to navigate your current season of life?
Do you feel like life is just happening to you instead of for you?
My name is Jill Pack.
I'm a certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
And I want you to know that no matter your season or circumstance,
it is possible to create a more joyful life and I would love to show you,
how are you ready?
Let's go.
Hello,
friends.
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
I'm so excited to be here today.
I'm excited to share a conversation that I recently had with fellow life coach Julie Balkman.
But before I get started,
I wanted to talk a little bit about my upcoming retreat.
It's going to be held this October 5th through seventh in Garden City,
Utah.
Um It's by the beautiful Blue Bear Lake.
It's going to be an opportunity to reconnect,
refocus and rejuvenate.
It's an opportunity to meet new people and to learn tools and skills but will help you live a life.
You love tips and tools that will help you create greater connection with yourself.
With those,
you love those people in your life and with God.
If you are ready to take the things that I teach on this podcast to a personal level,
this retreat is the perfect spot to do that.
Last year.
I had such a wonderful time at the retreat and I would love to have you with me this year.
Here is what Deice had to say about it.
I loved everything that was offered.
But my biggest takeaway is that women are innately amazing.
I met women who are unique yet we are all the same.
I love that the Gospel guides and directs us and that we can invite that guidance into our lives or not.
But as we do,
we come to meet our divine selves.
Jill,
thanks for all your thought and hard work in providing this amazing experience.
If you are ready to be one of these women,
I would love to have you come and join me this October in Garden City,
Utah.
So be sure to click the link in the show notes to join the interest list today.
Now,
here's my conversation with Julie.
I am here with Julie Balkman and she is a fellow life coach and I'm gonna turn the time over to her and let her introduce herself and then tell us a little bit about how she got into coaching.
So Julie take it away.
Yes,
I got into coaching when I myself was seeking coaching and uh it transformed my life.
I am a new person living on a new planet and I feel so much freedom and joy that I cannot sit back and not share with other people.
So I love coaching and uh that my clients are typically between the ages of 23 and 35.
And I am known for helping people get out of the dating game and into a real relationship that lasts.
Oh,
I love it.
I love it.
So,
what made you decide that,
how you,
how did you come to that niche?
Oh,
to focus on dating specifically in that age group?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
I believe as I looked back over my life and timeline,
uh with,
uh I was married in 1987 and I promised myself I would never get a divorce.
27 years later,
I was divorced and devastated and I went through a process of healing and life coaching was a huge part of that.
Um When I walked back in the timeline of my life,
as I was,
um,
searching for like a niche,
you know,
for my life coaching,
I walked back in the history of um my former marriage and realized that the best time to save a marriage is during the dating or newlywed phase.
Therefore,
I picked young adults as um,
my people.
Awesome.
So,
how,
how long have you been doing this?
How long have you been coaching young adults?
Um,
nine,
I think I'm going on nine years.
Yeah.
Wow.
Nine.
Yeah,
that is quite a feat.
That's pretty cool.
That's a lot of lives that you've been able to influence.
So,
I love it.
So,
as you've worked with these,
um,
young people and in our conversation before we pushed record,
um,
I'd love you to tell the listeners about a project that you have done and that you're currently writing a book about,
I think that's really fascinating.
Yes,
I was working with a business coach who is helping me start my life coaching business.
And she suggested that I interviewed 10 young adults about dating and I thought that is way too many.
Where am I gonna find 10 young adults?
And um it turned into a huge interview project for me because as I found young adults,
I also learned that they love to talk about dating and they want to talk about dating.
They have a lot to say.
So I just kept going.
As I put the word out that I wanted to interview people about dating,
I kept going as long as I had volunteers and I finally capped it off.
II,
I thought maybe I would get to 100 but then I still had more volunteers.
So I ended at 100 and 20 interviews about dating.
That is awesome.
That's awesome.
So you said there were 10 questions that you asked them and each one took about an hour.
So that's 100 and 20 hours of just interviewing.
Not,
not to mention the,
you said you categorized all the,
the answers and you've looked over this information as you reflect back on this experience.
What would you say was one or two of the big things you took away from this project.
What did you learn?
How is it helping you reach your niche,
your people?
Yes.
Um I love this question because I,
I just feel like with each interview,
uh there was a part of me that just fell in love with each interviewee and what they were saying and how they were opening it up to me.
And um I think that there was this classic belief and I think that all humans can relate to this on some level where they're asking me,
is there something wrong with me or is this normal?
Am I normal and then feeling so abnormal?
And then uh the commonality of um the when it comes to dating,
the desire for confidence and peace.
And as I coach and interview people about dating,
I realize that um you're actually asking for two things that oppose one another when you say I want confidence and I want to feel comfortable.
Yeah.
Explain that a little bit what you mean by that.
Well,
I believe and I found in my own personal life.
And as I'm coaching others that the only way to get the confidence that you desire is by getting uncomfortable.
If we never step outside of what we know,
we're never gonna,
you know,
step into who we could be.
So interesting.
Yeah,
that's such a fascinating um topic.
So as you,
so I'm trying to relate this to my audience and,
and we talked about this a little bit before.
I,
I think that young adults,
adult women,
we all struggle struggle with very similar things,
right?
If you were to speak to people our age,
right?
Like how can you translate what you've learned in this young adult niche into say a woman that has gone through a divorce or is in the later season of life?
Um Well,
I would start with encouraging anyone to embrace their freedom to choose and that by doing so,
you will build confidence and you will get to know yourself better.
I believe more than I ever have.
I love the plan of salvation.
I think it's a big reason why I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because I believe in the plan of salvation.
And I am beginning to really understand the depth and importance of why we're here,
which is to choose and by choosing,
we learn and grow.
And I think that we're in this faulty culture,
this latter day Saint culture that teaches us that um we should avoid making mistakes.
We need to choose the right.
Um I speak to and I think this just is not young adults,
but everyone knows what it feels like to be in decision making paralysis because you just don't know.
You know,
you want,
you've taught,
you've been taught to choose the right,
but you don't know what the right decision is.
So you falter and you hold off and you procrastinate and you pray a lot and you want God or someone else or a situation or circumstance to decide for you.
And what I'm realizing how critical it is to become a decision maker and to step into your life.
And to recognize that as you learn and grow,
you're going to make all kinds of decisions that will bring results that will then give you more information to make more decisions and that you know,
trusting in the atonement,
understanding that like I'm supposed to be making choices and making mistakes so I could learn.
And part of the plan is that there is atonement in place to cover all of it.
Therefore,
I am free,
free to choose to be myself,
find out who that is,
make choices and learn and grow from the choices I'm making.
And I just in every facet of my life.
And as I life coach,
I realize more and more,
and I've come to believe that my personal highest value when it comes to relationships is freedom Mhm.
Yeah.
I think that's beautiful.
I think that's something that I have really spent a lot of time thinking about too because I think there was a time when not necessarily what it was taught.
But I think sometimes,
yes,
it was taught that way that I took it to mean that if I made a mistake then there was the savior.
Right.
And that is,
that isn't at all what it is.
Yeah.
The the savior is the plan like it,
he was the very beginning piece,
right?
That was in place before anything else and he knew how critical it was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
I was just,
I was just gonna say and so to kind of go with this idea of the dating and the midseason of life,
right?
Like I think sometimes as women,
we've lost sight of our ability to choose.
Not from a,
I don't mean that in a negative way,
I just think we're so used to making other people happy or at least trying to make other people happy that there comes a point in our life,
whether we get divorced,
whatever is occurring in this midseason things shift for us.
And we realize that there's more,
there's so much more life to be lived and we have,
we,
we get to choose it,
but we just haven't learned how yet.
Yes.
And that's,
that's very uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Very uncomfortable.
And so it's easy to,
to just stay in what we know.
But I,
I love that.
You said that you're just agency and freedom.
I just,
I've thought that too.
It all began with agency.
Oh,
yeah,
that is why we were here and,
oh,
boy,
we just don't really like that answer.
Yeah,
I did notice another common thing with,
um,
dating is that most people I interviewed saw dating as a chore.
Hm.
And so in other words,
um,
along the lines of freedom,
this could apply to any facet of your life in that the people I was interviewing were feeling like they have to date,
they should be dating.
Um They're supposed to date rather than choosing it and wanting to,
wanting to get to know people wanting to find connection.
Um And so I noticed that there was a huge difference between anything where you feel like you have to do it versus I want to do this.
So I teach people that um you make decisions that align with what you ultimately want.
So you need to define that,
embrace your freedom to define what you ultimately want and then align your decisions that go with that.
For example,
I do not want to get up at 5 a.m. in the morning,
but I do want to finish writing my book.
And I'm finding that's the only time when I have like quiet several hours in a row where I can focus on my book.
So if I look at what I ultimately want,
I want to get my book published and out there.
Well,
if that's what I ultimately want and my decisions align with what I ultimately want,
then,
oh,
I actually do want to get up at 5 a.m. And if I feel like I have to,
it's heavy and low energy and if I'm choosing it and I want to,
it's lighter and it's really,
it's energizing and it's just a matter of like seeing it for what,
you know,
like owning your decision,
what you ultimately want and then aligning with that and saying,
oh yeah,
this is what I do want.
I want this and we can apply that to anything.
I mean,
the most recent time I've applied,
it was when I was in the temple and I was sitting there thinking it's dark,
it's boring.
It's,
you know,
like my mind was wandering and I was feeling like I had to be there.
This was,
this was a chore for me and then I stopped and I was like,
wait,
wait,
wait a minute,
wait,
I chose to be here.
I came here for a B and C reasons and I actually want to be here.
And when I reminded myself of that it changed everything and I had a very positive experience.
Yeah.
Isn't that fascinating?
I,
it,
it's so interesting to see just that shift of wanting to have to like there is such a energy difference.
It just changes the whole experience.
Yeah.
So when you,
oh,
go ahead,
I feel it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just like sitting here and you're telling the story,
right?
Like you just feel it within your body,
like the heaviness versus the lightness.
Yeah.
So good.
So when you're coaching these young adults and they're,
is,
is that something that you work with them on,
is just seeing the difference of wanting to date versus feeling that they have to date?
And do they decide it's something that they want to do or is it,
do you find some that it's not necessarily something they want to do right now?
Yes.
Well,
most people initially come to me and a lot of the people I interviewed,
uh,
I would say that the general consensus was dating sucks and I shouldn't have to do it.
And,
um,
yeah,
and then,
and then we would explore that I have this thing,
I call the dating map and one of the places on the map I call the Rock of Freedom and it's just a rock and we go there a lot and you remind yourself,
ok,
if I'm free to choose,
then let's first be clear about what I'm choosing.
So I give them a definition of what dating is and,
you know,
this again applies to anything in anyone's life,
define what you're choosing or what you're not choosing.
So I'll give them my own definition.
They can choose that or make up their own.
But my definition of dating is a willingness to potentially get hurt and,
or look like a fool for love.
And then I ask them,
is this something that you want?
And most of them are like,
no,
not,
not really.
It,
I've had experience with this hurt and feeling like a fool and it's not for me,
I don't like it.
It's painful and I'm afraid of that happening to me getting hurt or feeling like a fool.
And,
um,
so we go to that freedom of choice rather than,
like,
I hate dating and I'm gonna do it anyway because I'm supposed to,
and I want to get married and I guess I just have to do this horrible thing.
Mhm.
Well,
if you imagine yourself going on a date and you don't wanna be there,
I tell everyone don't go if you don't want to be there because no one wants to be on a date with you if you don't want to date.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
and as we're talking,
like,
I have a few friends that are divorced.
Right.
And this is so applicable to that older woman or man.
Right.
It's right there at that season.
I was like,
ok,
I guess it's time today this is what I'm supposed to do,
but it really does come down to whatever phase of life you're in is,
is that choice just deciding,
is this what you want to do?
And if it is how can you look at it differently than you are?
Yes.
Yeah.
I was in my fifties when I remarried and it was a choice.
Do I want to be in a partnership with someone?
Do I do?
I want to do this?
And what does that mean to me?
What are my values when it comes to a relationship when it comes to marriage?
How would this even work?
And then,
you know,
am I willing to allow someone to get to know me?
They're real me because that's scary.
Mhm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Goes back to your definition,
right?
Like it's that willingness,
um,
to be yourself and let people see that.
Exactly.
Let,
and let them decide if they want to be around you or not and that it's really vulnerable.
We also focus on that.
Um,
moving away from that training.
I,
I really think that it's just like our culture,
our society,
we've been trained to,
like,
go on a date to decide if someone measures up to like what we want in a partner and,
uh,
you know,
someone deciding if they want to be with us or not.
And,
um,
I would reframe that way of dating into a desire to get to know someone and practice connection rather than let's just see if I can find someone who is going to please me enough that I would want to go on another date with them.
Yeah.
Such a difference there.
Yes,
I,
I call it,
the difference between,
I care how you make me feel versus I care how you feel and that applies to any relationship.
I often think about it as,
um,
mother child,
you know,
a parent who's thinking about their child.
I care how you make me feel versus I care how you feel.
Yeah.
That is like turning all of our expectations upside down and inviting love in.
Mhm.
Yeah.
Because when we can remove or a false belief,
right?
Because the other person really doesn't make us feel that it's our thinking around what they're saying or doing and when we can remove ourselves from that and realize that whatever's going on for them has to do with what they're dealing with.
And how can we view it from a place of compassion instead of judgment?
Oh,
yeah.
When it's talk about me,
me,
me,
yeah.
Then I can be present to get to know someone,
including my kids or my husband.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anybody,
anybody.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
and I think you can even apply it to like people you meet at the store or whatever,
right?
Like I've done this kind of,
I've been thinking about this for a while and,
and I've kind of done this experiment where I just go out of my way to just be friendly to somebody,
look him in the eye and smile at them,
the checker,
the person that's walking by me,
whatever.
And can I make them feel something.
No,
but I can influence them and when my goal is to just,
I'm gonna make this person stay,
I'm gonna smile at them.
I'm gonna be kind to them.
It's such a different,
I don't know.
It's been so fun because a lot of times I've been shy enough that I look at the ground or we,
right.
We're,
we're,
we're so into ourselves about how awkward we feel or whatever,
or the list of things to do and you just want to get this done and I have time for them out the door.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But when we can just,
yeah,
I,
I love that.
I care about,
I don't care about.
Say that again.
Say it clearer than I just did and yeah,
the difference between I care how you make me feel versus I care how you feel,
you know.
Yeah.
And I have a question for you,
Jill Yeah.
And your desire to connect with people even like,
you know,
as you're running errands and strangers,
whoever it is that you're looking them in the eye and smiling and being present in the moment.
How do you get yourself to the place where you're,
you can do that and that you have something to give.
Where does that go?
You know,
I,
I think it's just a decision in the beginning.
It was just,
just a decision that I wasn't gonna be afraid because I came to believe that most of us want connection.
Most of us,
like,
rarely have.
I found someone that's mean to me when I smile at them,
it hasn't happened yet.
Right.
Or you genuinely ask a question or you're aware of that person,
you're recognizing them as a person.
Um,
and so in the beginning,
it was just a deci decision to just get a little uncomfortable on the ski lift.
Right.
And chat with the person next to me.
That was so scary for me.
And the more I started to do it,
I mean,
I'm the person that would love to just not ride with somebody else on the lift.
But when I began doing that,
I've just felt it kind of expand into other opportunities and it's almost,
it feeds on itself at this point.
Right.
It's just part of what I do now versus what I did.
But anyway,
that's a little bit of a tangent.
But you were willing to be uncomfortable and face your fear on some level in order to experience connection with other.
Yeah,
it was a decision to be uncomfortable and do it anyway.
Yeah,
that's really how it has it gotten easier as you go along.
Yeah,
I would say it's part,
more part of me than it used to be just because I put myself out there enough in the beginning.
I mean,
I would say I'm pretty social but,
but in more of a group setting,
like,
like I said,
the one on one was a little awkward for me in the beginning.
But when I decided to do it differently now I,
it doesn't feel uncomfortable sometimes there's a hint of it,
but I've just done it enough that it's,
I actually look forward to it.
Yeah.
So,
you know,
it's just a decision,
a choice.
Well,
I,
I mean,
if I'm life coaching someone,
uh,
on this subject I would pause for a second and just be like,
let's acknowledge you for being willing to be uncomfortable because you value connection.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That really is one of my values.
It really is.
Yeah,
it just feels good.
Yeah,
it's medicinal for sure.
But it's not comfortable.
Might not like it.
You might be seen as an inconvenience or burden.
Yeah,
you might be seen as crazy or weird.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But again,
I,
I love how you tied it back to what you value and then make decisions based on that value.
And that is something I've been working on for a year.
Like what are the things I value and then choosing from that place?
I think that's where you have to begin because when we don't recognize what is valuable to us,
then we,
we are so quick to not know what decision to make.
That's,
that's when the confusion and the procrastination and all those things that you were talking about are easy to fall back on because we don't necessarily have that map,
right?
And we haven't started at the,
the rock of freedom.
We don't understand that.
It's,
it's a choice.
It's like it.
That's the,
that's the beginning spot.
But you have to know what's important to you to start accessing your freedom.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know about you.
But,
um,
well,
first of all,
I think that as you define your values,
you're getting to know yourself better and as you do that there's more self acceptance which invites more confidence.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that feeds into your ability to make decisions and,
and,
and when you say it's like,
it's just a step at a time,
right?
It's like decision upon decision,
upon decision,
just with every decision adds a little bit more of that self trust,
self confidence that you can make a decision.
Yeah.
And um a willingness to let go of that line of thinking,
which I feel like feeds anxiety and depression,
which is I need to make the right decision.
I need to pick the right answer.
Mhm Yeah.
And then trying to guess what that is.
Yeah,
I think that's huge.
And,
and my husband and I serve in a Ys a ward.
Oh,
you did?
Yes.
And we all say word in Seattle and I miss it so much.
Yeah,
it's,
it's the best and they are,
you know,
they're such great people,
right?
But I have seen that many times.
It,
this idea of making the right choice causes them so much anxiety and pressure and,
and I look at adult women and it's the same thing.
I think we all can relate to that.
We just want to make the right choice.
And I would say,
of course we do.
Of course we do.
We're,
we're all good people.
It comes from a good place.
But that belief is poison you.
Right.
Because it was for me,
I mean,
I,
I,
I lived in a,
I would say a dry desert.
Uh,
you know,
if freedom was water,
there wasn't any.
Yeah,
I put myself in this like,
um,
where I thought I could be accepted and most comfortable and that was in the do what I'm supposed to do and choose the right as uh choices have been defined for me by those around me and,
um,
living on that desert for as long as I did,
you know,
and then finally receiving that drink,
that refreshing drink of freedom.
And it's scary at first.
But also,
you know,
you'll never go back.
Yeah.
Once you taste it,
it is life giving.
Yeah,
like it is life and I just keep saying it over and over again.
It's why you're here.
Well,
and I've said this even on this podcast quite a few times but a while ago it just hit me.
It's like,
you know,
we always say like the end goal is to get back and live with our Heavenly parents,
which I 100% agree.
I totally agree with that,
but I think we stop there.
And I don't think that is the goal,
the whole goal,
the whole goal is to be here to learn to grow and who are we becoming as we go back?
I mean,
it's not like they sent us on vacation.
So have a good trip.
We'll see when you get back.
It's the uh the idea was to evolve and to grow,
make mistakes.
That's why we have a savior is so we could really develop and grow on such a deep level that we couldn't where we were before.
Right?
And so I just think sometimes we get stuck on this idea of,
well,
it's just about getting back.
No,
it's about using the time we have here to use our choice to step into the freedom and to decide things for ourselves and come to Christ ourselves that we are choosing him or not being.
We're just not thinking,
well,
that's what we have to do.
It's like we want to love them and choose them.
Yes.
And I'm reminded of that scripture in the book of Mormon.
Uh I can't think of where it is,
but it's um when Christ comes to the Americas as a resurrected being and he tells the people,
um the law of Moses is fulfilled and I'm asking for a new sacrifice and it's a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
And what you just described it happened in that moment,
the invitation to step into freedom even more rather than living in here.
It's been been defined for you and decided for you and all you need to do is walk through these set of rules and now he's saying no,
this is,
this is fulfilled and we are going to live a higher,
more developed,
mature,
you know,
freedom based decision making,
responsible life and that's uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
and again,
kind of coming full circle.
It's vulnerable.
Yeah.
Yeah,
Gary,
it's,
it's the un the unknown,
the uncertain.
Like we don't know how,
how it's all gonna go and,
and so many people get hung up on that which causes them to be afraid to really choose and go all in.
Yeah,
on their life.
Yeah.
So what I'm noticing what happens when people get afraid,
like you just said,
um they start getting really defined in their details.
Like if you're a dating person,
you would get really into the details of the type of person you want.
And so you need to have a lot of things in common.
You need to be compatible and so forth and so on.
And I call those preferences,
requirements and deal breakers and uh while those things matter because you matter and what you want matters.
They're also uh very changeable when it comes to uh life experience and time.
But the two things that I found and I call these,
the two things to look for in the potential partner which,
of course,
we would start first start with ourselves because we are potential partners or we are partners with many people in different relationships.
But,
um,
talking about dating,
I say the two things to look for in a potential partner are a broken heart and a contrite spirit,
which is I'm willing to be wrong and I'm willing to learn those things are the two things that don't change and those are the only two things that truly matter.
I haven't ever,
um,
connected that with a dating relationship.
So I love that insight.
Yeah,
I know.
Well,
it's,
uh,
it just came to me from the scriptures.
It's definitely not my insight.
Yeah.
But it's like,
so applicable because it really makes you stop and think.
Ok.
Well,
how am I willing to learn if I'm going on a date and I'm willing to be wrong and I'm willing to learn.
Well,
what's one way of being wrong?
Well,
I have all these expectations when I meet up with someone on a date that it's gonna go this way,
or they're gonna be like this certain way and then when they're not,
I'm disappointed.
Well,
it's one way of being wrong because you were expecting something to be different than it actually was.
So,
that's fun.
It's a fun game to play with yourself.
Like,
how can I be wrong in this situation?
Oh,
well,
I had an expectation that it would be this way and it wasn't that just,
I was trying to make it be something that wasn't reality.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So,
one way to be wrong.
Yeah.
And so speak to the,
um,
the contrite spirit.
Is that the,
is that the,
I'll be wrong?
What's the other,
a broken heart,
contrite spirit?
Broken heart is?
I'm willing to be wrong.
Can you say I was wrong?
Yeah.
I mean,
do you and I both know along with everyone else,
people who would rather be right than happy?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they'll drive home their point at the expense of their relationship.
Yeah.
Which isn't a broken,
that's the broken heart piece going to be wrong.
And then contract spirit is a willingness to learn is a willingness to learn.
Oftentimes it's just checking in with yourself.
Am I willing to learn how to be in a relationship with this person?
And am I willing to learn more about them rather than hold certain things that bug me against them?
Like a popular thing to do when you're dating is look for and talk about red flags as you are focusing on red flags.
It will keep you from learning and it will keep you from connection.
Yeah.
Speak to that a little bit.
Well,
um,
oftentimes and again,
this applies to everybody myself included,
we often see red flags in people as we get to know them.
And,
uh,
when I think of a red flag,
I think of it as like,
um,
danger or warning or,
um,
a reason to dislike or avoid someone because they have the red flags.
So if you picture a person and,
um,
you're thinking about their red flags,
uh,
the more,
you know,
them,
the more red flags they have and it's all their fears,
their flaws,
their mistakes,
their problems,
there are things that don't align with what you believe or they're not agreeing with,
you know,
how you see the world.
And um,
I imagine those red flags as post it notes all over a person.
And uh if you are thinking that way,
one way to get yourself to um,
be in that frame of learning is to turn those red flags into a little mirror that is reflect,
reflecting you.
And um,
if you have a judgment or a concern or a fear about someone and you see it as a red flag,
look at yourself.
Um,
let's say one of the red flags is like,
I don't,
I don't like this person because they're very messy and I like clean.
Ok.
So if you turn that into a mirror,
you would say,
well,
how am I messy?
Am I messy?
In what ways am I messy or what is it about me that I cannot accept a person who's messy?
And that way you're learning about you,
you're focusing on you and you're not holding it against them and seeing them as like someone who's dangerous or someone to be avoided or someone to not accept or like,
so what it does is it facilitates,
oh,
self reflection and,
oh,
I can actually connect with someone if I can relate to them and,
oh,
actually I'm messy too.
I'm just not messy in the same way they are.
Or maybe what is it about me that I don't like messiness.
Well,
maybe it's just that I don't know this person well enough.
Yeah,
that's good.
Thank you for the explanation.
I think that's a really good point because when we can turn it back to ourselves and see,
you know,
get self reflective,
I think that opens us up to connection.
Just like you said,
there's,
there's a phrase that I have started using like when I find myself getting critical,
I say just like me.
Yeah.
Oh Yeah.
Yes.
Just like me because we're all human beings doing the best we can and we don't always do it the right way or whatever we all or are messy in our own ways.
I don't know about you.
But I,
I connect with people when you know,
I hear about their fears or their flaws or their mistakes.
I'm like,
oh yeah,
I can relate to that.
Yeah.
I think there's connection in the messy.
Yeah.
Right.
Like I,
I think there can be and again,
it's finding those values that and making decisions based on what is important to you.
But um when we block ourselves from connection,
we wanna look at that.
What is it that's causing that disconnection?
So,
I love it.
I think this topic is so relevant.
Just the dating and all the pieces that you've been talking about no matter what age we are.
Oh,
yeah,
for sure.
We're,
we're trying to navigate.
Yeah.
And allowing someone to see you as messy.
Yeah.
That's risky too.
Because what if they don't like you?
What if they reject you?
What if they're mad at you because you're messy?
But what if they can see you and love you,
accept you as you are?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
But if we never let them see us all right,
we'll never know.
Exactly.
Exactly.
You just,
like,
summed it all up the whole dating experience.
If you don't let someone see who you really are,
then you will never know if they can really love you and,
and even just again,
hammering that point,
whatever relationship that is right.
Whether it's your ministry and sister,
whether it's your spouse,
whether it's your friend,
if it's your neighbor,
if we never let people see us,
how can we,
how can we know?
Yeah.
But I think it's important to,
to recognize that not everyone will be able to love and accept you as you are.
Yes.
So,
uh,
you know,
there in lies,
the discomfort.
Well,
and I was gonna say that I was gonna say,
being in a place where it's ok if people don't.
Mhm.
Yes.
Yeah.
Being OK,
if people don't and that it does has nothing to do with you.
Yeah.
As we wrap up here,
if you were to give some little nugget that people could take,
whether they're a young adult or AAA woman of faith in the midseason of life.
Like,
what,
what do you hope they take from this conversation that we've had today?
Like,
what could they take in use today?
Well,
since we've been talking about post it notes as red flags,
I would offer um metaphorically write your own post it note and label yourself as a decision maker.
And as you step into your life and make decisions,
every decision will bring you a result with that result,
you will have more information to make your next decision.
And that is how we progress.
It's how we really become who we are and it's fully embracing what we believe,
which is we're here to make decisions,
to learn and grow.
I love that.
I love that idea.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
This has been so fun Julie and I really haven't got to know each other very much until today.
So it's been such a fun conversation.
I love it.
That's the funniest thing about this is I've met so many amazing coaches and we're just all trying to do the same thing is spread good and be the good in the world,
right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So if you're so welcome,
I'm so glad you would come.
If people want to find you,
where can they find you?
And I'll put this all in the show notes.
But where should they go?
Hm.
I'm pretty active on my Instagram account,
which is life coach dot Julie and feel free to reach out to me there.
I also have a website Julie Balkman coaching dot com.
Um,
in the resources tab,
I have some freebies for you.
Um,
one of my favorites is a downloadable printable PDF and on it,
it says happiness is now right now.
Oh,
I love it.
And uh it's cute.
I had my son design it.
He's a graphic designer.
So that is a gift that I have to offer your listeners.
Great.
And um also I,
you said that you are part of a young adult.
Uh Ys a word.
Mhm.
I love to speak.
I um two presentations that I give and one of them is called the D map presentation.
And it's a pretty short slide show uh with lots of room at the end for Q and A which is my favorite part.
And my other presentation is called Living Joyfully.
And if anyone would like to have me come and speak at any of their events,
I would be happy to do that.
I love it.
Awesome.
We'll put all that information in the show notes and it's just been so fun to have you.
Thank you for the conversation.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you like what you hear,
I would love it if you would share it with your friends and family and leave me a rating and review.
If you'd like to learn more about what life coaching is,
please schedule a free discovery call with me where we can work together through something that's causing you a problem.
Just go to my website seasons dash coaching dot com.
And you can also find information about my Seasons of Joy,
one on one coaching program and my Seasons of Joy Community have a joyful week and I'll see you next time.
This is Jill Pack with the Seasons of Joy podcast.
This is episode number 70 entitled decision makers with Julie Balkman.
Are you a woman of faith who is struggling to navigate your current season of life?
Do you feel like life is just happening to you instead of for you?
My name is Jill Pack.
I'm a certified life coach and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
And I want you to know that no matter your season or circumstance,
it is possible to create a more joyful life and I would love to show you,
how are you ready?
Let's go.
Hello,
friends.
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
I'm so excited to be here today.
I'm excited to share a conversation that I recently had with fellow life coach Julie Balkman.
But before I get started,
I wanted to talk a little bit about my upcoming retreat.
It's going to be held this October 5th through seventh in Garden City,
Utah.
Um It's by the beautiful Blue Bear Lake.
It's going to be an opportunity to reconnect,
refocus and rejuvenate.
It's an opportunity to meet new people and to learn tools and skills but will help you live a life.
You love tips and tools that will help you create greater connection with yourself.
With those,
you love those people in your life and with God.
If you are ready to take the things that I teach on this podcast to a personal level,
this retreat is the perfect spot to do that.
Last year.
I had such a wonderful time at the retreat and I would love to have you with me this year.
Here is what Deice had to say about it.
I loved everything that was offered.
But my biggest takeaway is that women are innately amazing.
I met women who are unique yet we are all the same.
I love that the Gospel guides and directs us and that we can invite that guidance into our lives or not.
But as we do,
we come to meet our divine selves.
Jill,
thanks for all your thought and hard work in providing this amazing experience.
If you are ready to be one of these women,
I would love to have you come and join me this October in Garden City,
Utah.
So be sure to click the link in the show notes to join the interest list today.
Now,
here's my conversation with Julie.
I am here with Julie Balkman and she is a fellow life coach and I'm gonna turn the time over to her and let her introduce herself and then tell us a little bit about how she got into coaching.
So Julie take it away.
Yes,
I got into coaching when I myself was seeking coaching and uh it transformed my life.
I am a new person living on a new planet and I feel so much freedom and joy that I cannot sit back and not share with other people.
So I love coaching and uh that my clients are typically between the ages of 23 and 35.
And I am known for helping people get out of the dating game and into a real relationship that lasts.
Oh,
I love it.
I love it.
So,
what made you decide that,
how you,
how did you come to that niche?
Oh,
to focus on dating specifically in that age group?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
I believe as I looked back over my life and timeline,
uh with,
uh I was married in 1987 and I promised myself I would never get a divorce.
27 years later,
I was divorced and devastated and I went through a process of healing and life coaching was a huge part of that.
Um When I walked back in the timeline of my life,
as I was,
um,
searching for like a niche,
you know,
for my life coaching,
I walked back in the history of um my former marriage and realized that the best time to save a marriage is during the dating or newlywed phase.
Therefore,
I picked young adults as um,
my people.
Awesome.
So,
how,
how long have you been doing this?
How long have you been coaching young adults?
Um,
nine,
I think I'm going on nine years.
Yeah.
Wow.
Nine.
Yeah,
that is quite a feat.
That's pretty cool.
That's a lot of lives that you've been able to influence.
So,
I love it.
So,
as you've worked with these,
um,
young people and in our conversation before we pushed record,
um,
I'd love you to tell the listeners about a project that you have done and that you're currently writing a book about,
I think that's really fascinating.
Yes,
I was working with a business coach who is helping me start my life coaching business.
And she suggested that I interviewed 10 young adults about dating and I thought that is way too many.
Where am I gonna find 10 young adults?
And um it turned into a huge interview project for me because as I found young adults,
I also learned that they love to talk about dating and they want to talk about dating.
They have a lot to say.
So I just kept going.
As I put the word out that I wanted to interview people about dating,
I kept going as long as I had volunteers and I finally capped it off.
II,
I thought maybe I would get to 100 but then I still had more volunteers.
So I ended at 100 and 20 interviews about dating.
That is awesome.
That's awesome.
So you said there were 10 questions that you asked them and each one took about an hour.
So that's 100 and 20 hours of just interviewing.
Not,
not to mention the,
you said you categorized all the,
the answers and you've looked over this information as you reflect back on this experience.
What would you say was one or two of the big things you took away from this project.
What did you learn?
How is it helping you reach your niche,
your people?
Yes.
Um I love this question because I,
I just feel like with each interview,
uh there was a part of me that just fell in love with each interviewee and what they were saying and how they were opening it up to me.
And um I think that there was this classic belief and I think that all humans can relate to this on some level where they're asking me,
is there something wrong with me or is this normal?
Am I normal and then feeling so abnormal?
And then uh the commonality of um the when it comes to dating,
the desire for confidence and peace.
And as I coach and interview people about dating,
I realize that um you're actually asking for two things that oppose one another when you say I want confidence and I want to feel comfortable.
Yeah.
Explain that a little bit what you mean by that.
Well,
I believe and I found in my own personal life.
And as I'm coaching others that the only way to get the confidence that you desire is by getting uncomfortable.
If we never step outside of what we know,
we're never gonna,
you know,
step into who we could be.
So interesting.
Yeah,
that's such a fascinating um topic.
So as you,
so I'm trying to relate this to my audience and,
and we talked about this a little bit before.
I,
I think that young adults,
adult women,
we all struggle struggle with very similar things,
right?
If you were to speak to people our age,
right?
Like how can you translate what you've learned in this young adult niche into say a woman that has gone through a divorce or is in the later season of life?
Um Well,
I would start with encouraging anyone to embrace their freedom to choose and that by doing so,
you will build confidence and you will get to know yourself better.
I believe more than I ever have.
I love the plan of salvation.
I think it's a big reason why I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because I believe in the plan of salvation.
And I am beginning to really understand the depth and importance of why we're here,
which is to choose and by choosing,
we learn and grow.
And I think that we're in this faulty culture,
this latter day Saint culture that teaches us that um we should avoid making mistakes.
We need to choose the right.
Um I speak to and I think this just is not young adults,
but everyone knows what it feels like to be in decision making paralysis because you just don't know.
You know,
you want,
you've taught,
you've been taught to choose the right,
but you don't know what the right decision is.
So you falter and you hold off and you procrastinate and you pray a lot and you want God or someone else or a situation or circumstance to decide for you.
And what I'm realizing how critical it is to become a decision maker and to step into your life.
And to recognize that as you learn and grow,
you're going to make all kinds of decisions that will bring results that will then give you more information to make more decisions and that you know,
trusting in the atonement,
understanding that like I'm supposed to be making choices and making mistakes so I could learn.
And part of the plan is that there is atonement in place to cover all of it.
Therefore,
I am free,
free to choose to be myself,
find out who that is,
make choices and learn and grow from the choices I'm making.
And I just in every facet of my life.
And as I life coach,
I realize more and more,
and I've come to believe that my personal highest value when it comes to relationships is freedom Mhm.
Yeah.
I think that's beautiful.
I think that's something that I have really spent a lot of time thinking about too because I think there was a time when not necessarily what it was taught.
But I think sometimes,
yes,
it was taught that way that I took it to mean that if I made a mistake then there was the savior.
Right.
And that is,
that isn't at all what it is.
Yeah.
The the savior is the plan like it,
he was the very beginning piece,
right?
That was in place before anything else and he knew how critical it was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
I was just,
I was just gonna say and so to kind of go with this idea of the dating and the midseason of life,
right?
Like I think sometimes as women,
we've lost sight of our ability to choose.
Not from a,
I don't mean that in a negative way,
I just think we're so used to making other people happy or at least trying to make other people happy that there comes a point in our life,
whether we get divorced,
whatever is occurring in this midseason things shift for us.
And we realize that there's more,
there's so much more life to be lived and we have,
we,
we get to choose it,
but we just haven't learned how yet.
Yes.
And that's,
that's very uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Very uncomfortable.
And so it's easy to,
to just stay in what we know.
But I,
I love that.
You said that you're just agency and freedom.
I just,
I've thought that too.
It all began with agency.
Oh,
yeah,
that is why we were here and,
oh,
boy,
we just don't really like that answer.
Yeah,
I did notice another common thing with,
um,
dating is that most people I interviewed saw dating as a chore.
Hm.
And so in other words,
um,
along the lines of freedom,
this could apply to any facet of your life in that the people I was interviewing were feeling like they have to date,
they should be dating.
Um They're supposed to date rather than choosing it and wanting to,
wanting to get to know people wanting to find connection.
Um And so I noticed that there was a huge difference between anything where you feel like you have to do it versus I want to do this.
So I teach people that um you make decisions that align with what you ultimately want.
So you need to define that,
embrace your freedom to define what you ultimately want and then align your decisions that go with that.
For example,
I do not want to get up at 5 a.m. in the morning,
but I do want to finish writing my book.
And I'm finding that's the only time when I have like quiet several hours in a row where I can focus on my book.
So if I look at what I ultimately want,
I want to get my book published and out there.
Well,
if that's what I ultimately want and my decisions align with what I ultimately want,
then,
oh,
I actually do want to get up at 5 a.m. And if I feel like I have to,
it's heavy and low energy and if I'm choosing it and I want to,
it's lighter and it's really,
it's energizing and it's just a matter of like seeing it for what,
you know,
like owning your decision,
what you ultimately want and then aligning with that and saying,
oh yeah,
this is what I do want.
I want this and we can apply that to anything.
I mean,
the most recent time I've applied,
it was when I was in the temple and I was sitting there thinking it's dark,
it's boring.
It's,
you know,
like my mind was wandering and I was feeling like I had to be there.
This was,
this was a chore for me and then I stopped and I was like,
wait,
wait,
wait a minute,
wait,
I chose to be here.
I came here for a B and C reasons and I actually want to be here.
And when I reminded myself of that it changed everything and I had a very positive experience.
Yeah.
Isn't that fascinating?
I,
it,
it's so interesting to see just that shift of wanting to have to like there is such a energy difference.
It just changes the whole experience.
Yeah.
So when you,
oh,
go ahead,
I feel it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just like sitting here and you're telling the story,
right?
Like you just feel it within your body,
like the heaviness versus the lightness.
Yeah.
So good.
So when you're coaching these young adults and they're,
is,
is that something that you work with them on,
is just seeing the difference of wanting to date versus feeling that they have to date?
And do they decide it's something that they want to do or is it,
do you find some that it's not necessarily something they want to do right now?
Yes.
Well,
most people initially come to me and a lot of the people I interviewed,
uh,
I would say that the general consensus was dating sucks and I shouldn't have to do it.
And,
um,
yeah,
and then,
and then we would explore that I have this thing,
I call the dating map and one of the places on the map I call the Rock of Freedom and it's just a rock and we go there a lot and you remind yourself,
ok,
if I'm free to choose,
then let's first be clear about what I'm choosing.
So I give them a definition of what dating is and,
you know,
this again applies to anything in anyone's life,
define what you're choosing or what you're not choosing.
So I'll give them my own definition.
They can choose that or make up their own.
But my definition of dating is a willingness to potentially get hurt and,
or look like a fool for love.
And then I ask them,
is this something that you want?
And most of them are like,
no,
not,
not really.
It,
I've had experience with this hurt and feeling like a fool and it's not for me,
I don't like it.
It's painful and I'm afraid of that happening to me getting hurt or feeling like a fool.
And,
um,
so we go to that freedom of choice rather than,
like,
I hate dating and I'm gonna do it anyway because I'm supposed to,
and I want to get married and I guess I just have to do this horrible thing.
Mhm.
Well,
if you imagine yourself going on a date and you don't wanna be there,
I tell everyone don't go if you don't want to be there because no one wants to be on a date with you if you don't want to date.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
and as we're talking,
like,
I have a few friends that are divorced.
Right.
And this is so applicable to that older woman or man.
Right.
It's right there at that season.
I was like,
ok,
I guess it's time today this is what I'm supposed to do,
but it really does come down to whatever phase of life you're in is,
is that choice just deciding,
is this what you want to do?
And if it is how can you look at it differently than you are?
Yes.
Yeah.
I was in my fifties when I remarried and it was a choice.
Do I want to be in a partnership with someone?
Do I do?
I want to do this?
And what does that mean to me?
What are my values when it comes to a relationship when it comes to marriage?
How would this even work?
And then,
you know,
am I willing to allow someone to get to know me?
They're real me because that's scary.
Mhm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Goes back to your definition,
right?
Like it's that willingness,
um,
to be yourself and let people see that.
Exactly.
Let,
and let them decide if they want to be around you or not and that it's really vulnerable.
We also focus on that.
Um,
moving away from that training.
I,
I really think that it's just like our culture,
our society,
we've been trained to,
like,
go on a date to decide if someone measures up to like what we want in a partner and,
uh,
you know,
someone deciding if they want to be with us or not.
And,
um,
I would reframe that way of dating into a desire to get to know someone and practice connection rather than let's just see if I can find someone who is going to please me enough that I would want to go on another date with them.
Yeah.
Such a difference there.
Yes,
I,
I call it,
the difference between,
I care how you make me feel versus I care how you feel and that applies to any relationship.
I often think about it as,
um,
mother child,
you know,
a parent who's thinking about their child.
I care how you make me feel versus I care how you feel.
Yeah.
That is like turning all of our expectations upside down and inviting love in.
Mhm.
Yeah.
Because when we can remove or a false belief,
right?
Because the other person really doesn't make us feel that it's our thinking around what they're saying or doing and when we can remove ourselves from that and realize that whatever's going on for them has to do with what they're dealing with.
And how can we view it from a place of compassion instead of judgment?
Oh,
yeah.
When it's talk about me,
me,
me,
yeah.
Then I can be present to get to know someone,
including my kids or my husband.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anybody,
anybody.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
and I think you can even apply it to like people you meet at the store or whatever,
right?
Like I've done this kind of,
I've been thinking about this for a while and,
and I've kind of done this experiment where I just go out of my way to just be friendly to somebody,
look him in the eye and smile at them,
the checker,
the person that's walking by me,
whatever.
And can I make them feel something.
No,
but I can influence them and when my goal is to just,
I'm gonna make this person stay,
I'm gonna smile at them.
I'm gonna be kind to them.
It's such a different,
I don't know.
It's been so fun because a lot of times I've been shy enough that I look at the ground or we,
right.
We're,
we're,
we're so into ourselves about how awkward we feel or whatever,
or the list of things to do and you just want to get this done and I have time for them out the door.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But when we can just,
yeah,
I,
I love that.
I care about,
I don't care about.
Say that again.
Say it clearer than I just did and yeah,
the difference between I care how you make me feel versus I care how you feel,
you know.
Yeah.
And I have a question for you,
Jill Yeah.
And your desire to connect with people even like,
you know,
as you're running errands and strangers,
whoever it is that you're looking them in the eye and smiling and being present in the moment.
How do you get yourself to the place where you're,
you can do that and that you have something to give.
Where does that go?
You know,
I,
I think it's just a decision in the beginning.
It was just,
just a decision that I wasn't gonna be afraid because I came to believe that most of us want connection.
Most of us,
like,
rarely have.
I found someone that's mean to me when I smile at them,
it hasn't happened yet.
Right.
Or you genuinely ask a question or you're aware of that person,
you're recognizing them as a person.
Um,
and so in the beginning,
it was just a deci decision to just get a little uncomfortable on the ski lift.
Right.
And chat with the person next to me.
That was so scary for me.
And the more I started to do it,
I mean,
I'm the person that would love to just not ride with somebody else on the lift.
But when I began doing that,
I've just felt it kind of expand into other opportunities and it's almost,
it feeds on itself at this point.
Right.
It's just part of what I do now versus what I did.
But anyway,
that's a little bit of a tangent.
But you were willing to be uncomfortable and face your fear on some level in order to experience connection with other.
Yeah,
it was a decision to be uncomfortable and do it anyway.
Yeah,
that's really how it has it gotten easier as you go along.
Yeah,
I would say it's part,
more part of me than it used to be just because I put myself out there enough in the beginning.
I mean,
I would say I'm pretty social but,
but in more of a group setting,
like,
like I said,
the one on one was a little awkward for me in the beginning.
But when I decided to do it differently now I,
it doesn't feel uncomfortable sometimes there's a hint of it,
but I've just done it enough that it's,
I actually look forward to it.
Yeah.
So,
you know,
it's just a decision,
a choice.
Well,
I,
I mean,
if I'm life coaching someone,
uh,
on this subject I would pause for a second and just be like,
let's acknowledge you for being willing to be uncomfortable because you value connection.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That really is one of my values.
It really is.
Yeah,
it just feels good.
Yeah,
it's medicinal for sure.
But it's not comfortable.
Might not like it.
You might be seen as an inconvenience or burden.
Yeah,
you might be seen as crazy or weird.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But again,
I,
I love how you tied it back to what you value and then make decisions based on that value.
And that is something I've been working on for a year.
Like what are the things I value and then choosing from that place?
I think that's where you have to begin because when we don't recognize what is valuable to us,
then we,
we are so quick to not know what decision to make.
That's,
that's when the confusion and the procrastination and all those things that you were talking about are easy to fall back on because we don't necessarily have that map,
right?
And we haven't started at the,
the rock of freedom.
We don't understand that.
It's,
it's a choice.
It's like it.
That's the,
that's the beginning spot.
But you have to know what's important to you to start accessing your freedom.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know about you.
But,
um,
well,
first of all,
I think that as you define your values,
you're getting to know yourself better and as you do that there's more self acceptance which invites more confidence.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that feeds into your ability to make decisions and,
and,
and when you say it's like,
it's just a step at a time,
right?
It's like decision upon decision,
upon decision,
just with every decision adds a little bit more of that self trust,
self confidence that you can make a decision.
Yeah.
And um a willingness to let go of that line of thinking,
which I feel like feeds anxiety and depression,
which is I need to make the right decision.
I need to pick the right answer.
Mhm Yeah.
And then trying to guess what that is.
Yeah,
I think that's huge.
And,
and my husband and I serve in a Ys a ward.
Oh,
you did?
Yes.
And we all say word in Seattle and I miss it so much.
Yeah,
it's,
it's the best and they are,
you know,
they're such great people,
right?
But I have seen that many times.
It,
this idea of making the right choice causes them so much anxiety and pressure and,
and I look at adult women and it's the same thing.
I think we all can relate to that.
We just want to make the right choice.
And I would say,
of course we do.
Of course we do.
We're,
we're all good people.
It comes from a good place.
But that belief is poison you.
Right.
Because it was for me,
I mean,
I,
I,
I lived in a,
I would say a dry desert.
Uh,
you know,
if freedom was water,
there wasn't any.
Yeah,
I put myself in this like,
um,
where I thought I could be accepted and most comfortable and that was in the do what I'm supposed to do and choose the right as uh choices have been defined for me by those around me and,
um,
living on that desert for as long as I did,
you know,
and then finally receiving that drink,
that refreshing drink of freedom.
And it's scary at first.
But also,
you know,
you'll never go back.
Yeah.
Once you taste it,
it is life giving.
Yeah,
like it is life and I just keep saying it over and over again.
It's why you're here.
Well,
and I've said this even on this podcast quite a few times but a while ago it just hit me.
It's like,
you know,
we always say like the end goal is to get back and live with our Heavenly parents,
which I 100% agree.
I totally agree with that,
but I think we stop there.
And I don't think that is the goal,
the whole goal,
the whole goal is to be here to learn to grow and who are we becoming as we go back?
I mean,
it's not like they sent us on vacation.
So have a good trip.
We'll see when you get back.
It's the uh the idea was to evolve and to grow,
make mistakes.
That's why we have a savior is so we could really develop and grow on such a deep level that we couldn't where we were before.
Right?
And so I just think sometimes we get stuck on this idea of,
well,
it's just about getting back.
No,
it's about using the time we have here to use our choice to step into the freedom and to decide things for ourselves and come to Christ ourselves that we are choosing him or not being.
We're just not thinking,
well,
that's what we have to do.
It's like we want to love them and choose them.
Yes.
And I'm reminded of that scripture in the book of Mormon.
Uh I can't think of where it is,
but it's um when Christ comes to the Americas as a resurrected being and he tells the people,
um the law of Moses is fulfilled and I'm asking for a new sacrifice and it's a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
And what you just described it happened in that moment,
the invitation to step into freedom even more rather than living in here.
It's been been defined for you and decided for you and all you need to do is walk through these set of rules and now he's saying no,
this is,
this is fulfilled and we are going to live a higher,
more developed,
mature,
you know,
freedom based decision making,
responsible life and that's uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
and again,
kind of coming full circle.
It's vulnerable.
Yeah.
Yeah,
Gary,
it's,
it's the un the unknown,
the uncertain.
Like we don't know how,
how it's all gonna go and,
and so many people get hung up on that which causes them to be afraid to really choose and go all in.
Yeah,
on their life.
Yeah.
So what I'm noticing what happens when people get afraid,
like you just said,
um they start getting really defined in their details.
Like if you're a dating person,
you would get really into the details of the type of person you want.
And so you need to have a lot of things in common.
You need to be compatible and so forth and so on.
And I call those preferences,
requirements and deal breakers and uh while those things matter because you matter and what you want matters.
They're also uh very changeable when it comes to uh life experience and time.
But the two things that I found and I call these,
the two things to look for in the potential partner which,
of course,
we would start first start with ourselves because we are potential partners or we are partners with many people in different relationships.
But,
um,
talking about dating,
I say the two things to look for in a potential partner are a broken heart and a contrite spirit,
which is I'm willing to be wrong and I'm willing to learn those things are the two things that don't change and those are the only two things that truly matter.
I haven't ever,
um,
connected that with a dating relationship.
So I love that insight.
Yeah,
I know.
Well,
it's,
uh,
it just came to me from the scriptures.
It's definitely not my insight.
Yeah.
But it's like,
so applicable because it really makes you stop and think.
Ok.
Well,
how am I willing to learn if I'm going on a date and I'm willing to be wrong and I'm willing to learn.
Well,
what's one way of being wrong?
Well,
I have all these expectations when I meet up with someone on a date that it's gonna go this way,
or they're gonna be like this certain way and then when they're not,
I'm disappointed.
Well,
it's one way of being wrong because you were expecting something to be different than it actually was.
So,
that's fun.
It's a fun game to play with yourself.
Like,
how can I be wrong in this situation?
Oh,
well,
I had an expectation that it would be this way and it wasn't that just,
I was trying to make it be something that wasn't reality.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So,
one way to be wrong.
Yeah.
And so speak to the,
um,
the contrite spirit.
Is that the,
is that the,
I'll be wrong?
What's the other,
a broken heart,
contrite spirit?
Broken heart is?
I'm willing to be wrong.
Can you say I was wrong?
Yeah.
I mean,
do you and I both know along with everyone else,
people who would rather be right than happy?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they'll drive home their point at the expense of their relationship.
Yeah.
Which isn't a broken,
that's the broken heart piece going to be wrong.
And then contract spirit is a willingness to learn is a willingness to learn.
Oftentimes it's just checking in with yourself.
Am I willing to learn how to be in a relationship with this person?
And am I willing to learn more about them rather than hold certain things that bug me against them?
Like a popular thing to do when you're dating is look for and talk about red flags as you are focusing on red flags.
It will keep you from learning and it will keep you from connection.
Yeah.
Speak to that a little bit.
Well,
um,
oftentimes and again,
this applies to everybody myself included,
we often see red flags in people as we get to know them.
And,
uh,
when I think of a red flag,
I think of it as like,
um,
danger or warning or,
um,
a reason to dislike or avoid someone because they have the red flags.
So if you picture a person and,
um,
you're thinking about their red flags,
uh,
the more,
you know,
them,
the more red flags they have and it's all their fears,
their flaws,
their mistakes,
their problems,
there are things that don't align with what you believe or they're not agreeing with,
you know,
how you see the world.
And um,
I imagine those red flags as post it notes all over a person.
And uh if you are thinking that way,
one way to get yourself to um,
be in that frame of learning is to turn those red flags into a little mirror that is reflect,
reflecting you.
And um,
if you have a judgment or a concern or a fear about someone and you see it as a red flag,
look at yourself.
Um,
let's say one of the red flags is like,
I don't,
I don't like this person because they're very messy and I like clean.
Ok.
So if you turn that into a mirror,
you would say,
well,
how am I messy?
Am I messy?
In what ways am I messy or what is it about me that I cannot accept a person who's messy?
And that way you're learning about you,
you're focusing on you and you're not holding it against them and seeing them as like someone who's dangerous or someone to be avoided or someone to not accept or like,
so what it does is it facilitates,
oh,
self reflection and,
oh,
I can actually connect with someone if I can relate to them and,
oh,
actually I'm messy too.
I'm just not messy in the same way they are.
Or maybe what is it about me that I don't like messiness.
Well,
maybe it's just that I don't know this person well enough.
Yeah,
that's good.
Thank you for the explanation.
I think that's a really good point because when we can turn it back to ourselves and see,
you know,
get self reflective,
I think that opens us up to connection.
Just like you said,
there's,
there's a phrase that I have started using like when I find myself getting critical,
I say just like me.
Yeah.
Oh Yeah.
Yes.
Just like me because we're all human beings doing the best we can and we don't always do it the right way or whatever we all or are messy in our own ways.
I don't know about you.
But I,
I connect with people when you know,
I hear about their fears or their flaws or their mistakes.
I'm like,
oh yeah,
I can relate to that.
Yeah.
I think there's connection in the messy.
Yeah.
Right.
Like I,
I think there can be and again,
it's finding those values that and making decisions based on what is important to you.
But um when we block ourselves from connection,
we wanna look at that.
What is it that's causing that disconnection?
So,
I love it.
I think this topic is so relevant.
Just the dating and all the pieces that you've been talking about no matter what age we are.
Oh,
yeah,
for sure.
We're,
we're trying to navigate.
Yeah.
And allowing someone to see you as messy.
Yeah.
That's risky too.
Because what if they don't like you?
What if they reject you?
What if they're mad at you because you're messy?
But what if they can see you and love you,
accept you as you are?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
But if we never let them see us all right,
we'll never know.
Exactly.
Exactly.
You just,
like,
summed it all up the whole dating experience.
If you don't let someone see who you really are,
then you will never know if they can really love you and,
and even just again,
hammering that point,
whatever relationship that is right.
Whether it's your ministry and sister,
whether it's your spouse,
whether it's your friend,
if it's your neighbor,
if we never let people see us,
how can we,
how can we know?
Yeah.
But I think it's important to,
to recognize that not everyone will be able to love and accept you as you are.
Yes.
So,
uh,
you know,
there in lies,
the discomfort.
Well,
and I was gonna say that I was gonna say,
being in a place where it's ok if people don't.
Mhm.
Yes.
Yeah.
Being OK,
if people don't and that it does has nothing to do with you.
Yeah.
As we wrap up here,
if you were to give some little nugget that people could take,
whether they're a young adult or AAA woman of faith in the midseason of life.
Like,
what,
what do you hope they take from this conversation that we've had today?
Like,
what could they take in use today?
Well,
since we've been talking about post it notes as red flags,
I would offer um metaphorically write your own post it note and label yourself as a decision maker.
And as you step into your life and make decisions,
every decision will bring you a result with that result,
you will have more information to make your next decision.
And that is how we progress.
It's how we really become who we are and it's fully embracing what we believe,
which is we're here to make decisions,
to learn and grow.
I love that.
I love that idea.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
This has been so fun Julie and I really haven't got to know each other very much until today.
So it's been such a fun conversation.
I love it.
That's the funniest thing about this is I've met so many amazing coaches and we're just all trying to do the same thing is spread good and be the good in the world,
right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So if you're so welcome,
I'm so glad you would come.
If people want to find you,
where can they find you?
And I'll put this all in the show notes.
But where should they go?
Hm.
I'm pretty active on my Instagram account,
which is life coach dot Julie and feel free to reach out to me there.
I also have a website Julie Balkman coaching dot com.
Um,
in the resources tab,
I have some freebies for you.
Um,
one of my favorites is a downloadable printable PDF and on it,
it says happiness is now right now.
Oh,
I love it.
And uh it's cute.
I had my son design it.
He's a graphic designer.
So that is a gift that I have to offer your listeners.
Great.
And um also I,
you said that you are part of a young adult.
Uh Ys a word.
Mhm.
I love to speak.
I um two presentations that I give and one of them is called the D map presentation.
And it's a pretty short slide show uh with lots of room at the end for Q and A which is my favorite part.
And my other presentation is called Living Joyfully.
And if anyone would like to have me come and speak at any of their events,
I would be happy to do that.
I love it.
Awesome.
We'll put all that information in the show notes and it's just been so fun to have you.
Thank you for the conversation.
Thank you.
If you are ready to take these concepts and apply them to your circumstances, I would love to be your coach.
Click on the following links to learn more about Seasons Coaching and my Seasons of Joy Community Facebook Group.
Are you ready to take what I teach to a deeper level? I would love to be your coach! Click HERE to learn more about my Season of Creation 12-Week Coaching package.
To contact me about speaking to your group or business, email me at jill@seasons-coaching.com.
