Thoughtful Thursday & You Are Not The Reference Point

Did your parents ever tell you that the world didn't revolve around you?

Have you said that to your own children?

I have.

We all know what I mean when I say that.

All things in this world don't revolve around our preferences.

Things don't always go our way.

Sometimes we have to share or take turns.

Other people have different opinions than us.

But what I am going to talk about here is different.

I really don't believe that most people think that the world revolves around them.

But, as humans we are really good at believing that we are the reference point.

This concept is explained really well by Kara Loewentheil.

As we learn more about thought work, we come to understand that just because we are having a thought about something doesn't make it true.

We begin to question and get curious about our thinking.

This is so important to managing our minds.

However, Kara teaches that we often don't realize or see that "we are taking our own experience of the world, our own norms, our own ideas of what's obvious or standard or sensible, our own interpretations" with us and "making those the reference point.”

Let me explain.

We may say things like,

"If I had been charge of the activity, I would have done it this way."

"If my child was doing that, I would have handled it this way."

"If my husband did that, this is what I would have said."

Can you see the problem here?

We are judging someone else's behavior based on what we would do.

We are assuming that we are walking in their shoes.

But we can't because we aren't them.

We are actually trying to put on two pair of shoes and this doesn't work.

We won't get very far.

Our perspective is limited by our beliefs, thoughts and ideas.

We create the lens through which we see.

Once I had a friend, who I considered one of my best friends.

She didn't text me as much as I thought a friend should.

I would get frustrated and think that if she was a good friend or if just really liked me she would text more often.

The first layer of self-awareness would be framed as I can believe it is possible for a person to not text me as much as I would, even if she is my friend.

Do you see the subtle problem?

This thought implies that something is wrong with the amount my friend texted me.

The normal thing would be for her to text me the amount that I believe is acceptable.

Then I would begin applying my thought work to consider that someone could still be my friend and behave abnormally.

I was believing that my amount of texting was the standard.

I was assuming it was ok for her to do it differently than me, even if it wasn't the norm.

Now here comes the part that caused a great mind shift for me.

I was NOT the standard.

I was NOT the point of reference.

I was assuming that anyone would see it the way I did.

But the truth is,

It isn't anyone.

It was just me.

There are always different ways of seeing things in any situation.

I was creating a story from my perspective.

The further away other people's behavior is from our perspective the less normal we think they are.

The more we can move from the center of our perspective the more we can actually see.

When we can move past the "even if" thinking,

We can see others for who they truly are and get a glimpse of their perspective.

Is there a relationship in your life

Where you can pause and ask,

"What are they thinking?"

By answering that question,

You may actually get another perspective.

Understanding and connection will follow.

Give it a try.