Thoughtful Thursday & Sadness

My sisters and I are caring for our almost 91 year old father.

He has had a lot of changes over the last year and a half.

Including the passing of my sweet mom.

My sisters and I are navigating our way through this new season of life and the challenges that come with it.

We work together to care and love him the best we can. 

My dad's body is getting tired and worn out.

He is forgetting.

He misses my mom terribly.

He is lonely.

Surrounded by people.

But lonely.

My brain tells me this is sad and that I need to fix it. 

To control things outside of me so I can feel better.

But when I come from a place of sadness, worry, frustration or anger, I am not able to show up as the daughter I want to be. 

Instead, it becomes about me wanting him to feel better so that I can feel better.

We had an argument last week because I was trying to make him see my point of view on something.

Obviously, I believed I was "right." 

I knew exactly how things "should" be so everyone could feel better. 

I thought that if I just explained it good enough he would totally see it my way.
Instead, our evening together came to a close with us both feeling frustrated and angry.

I knew I needed to clean up my own emotions, so that I could be there for him as the daughter I want to be.

But first, I just needed to allow myself to be sad.

It was heavy in my chest and throat.

I just did sad.

I love my dad so much and I can be sad.

There are just some days like that.