Episode 29 - What Is
Episode 29 - What Is
Hello friends!
I am going to make one final plug for my An Awakening Retreat that is being held Oct 6-8 in Garden City, Utah, which is near the beautiful Bear Lake.
Registration for this closes tomorrow, Friday, September 30th.
There are a few more spots available and I would love to have you join me.
Are you struggling in this midseason of your life?
Are you feeling disconnected with yourself?
Not knowing what you even like anymore or believing you don’t have a purpose in this new season?
Are you struggling in your relationships with your adult children?
Do you feel disconnected from them?
Do you find yourself wishing others would change so you could be happy?
If this sounds like you, the An Awakening Retreat is for you. We will work together on applying tools that will help you refocus, reconnect, and rejuvenate. You leave with tools that will empower you to create something beautiful.
There is a link in my show notes that will take you to the registration page so you can learn more and register.
So, this week on the podcast I am excited to share with you some of Byron Katie’s teachings. You may already be familiar with her work but I wanted to share a little bit of it here today. She calls what she teaches “The Work.” This is made up of 4 questions followed by turnarounds that give you a new perspective on any problem you are facing. She is inspiring and full of wisdom. I highly recommend reading her book, “Loving What Is” or just visiting her website, thework.com, if you want to learn even more about what she teaches.
I want to give you a little of her background and she shares this in her book. At the age of 43, she found herself on the floor of a halfway house in southern california. She had been married twice, she had 3 children, and she had even had a successful career. However, Byron Katie had entered into a 10-year downward spiral of rage, addiction, paranoia, and despair. She says that for two years she was so depressed that she could rarely leave her house; she would stay in bed for weeks at a time, doing her business from her phone from her bedroom. She was unable even to take care of her basic hygiene needs such as brushing her teeth or bathing. Her children were afraid of her and would try to avoid her because she would have frequent outbursts of rage. Finally, she decided to check herself into a halfway house for women with eating disorders because this was the only facility that her insurance would cover. The other residents were so afraid of her that she was placed in an attic room all by herself.
She tells the story of waking up a week or so later, as she lay on the floor of his halfway house. She didn’t believe she was worthy to sleep on an actual bed. Byron Katie woke up not knowing who she was or what she was. Her life was no longer the same. She wasn’t the same. She describes a type of spiritual awakening. She had come to realize that her thoughts were the cause of all her pain. Her inner questioning brought a freedom from her old thoughts that were untrue.
She returned home and everyone came to believe she was a completely different person. She had become a joyful and innocent person full of love. She was no longer that person of anger and rage. People began to seek her out asking for help. From this experience she has developed what she calls that work and I would like to share this with you today.
Byron Katie says this in her book.
“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always. And I invite you not to believe me. I invite you to text it for yourself.”
Her work begins with curiosity or what she calls inquiry. As I have taught before, this means without judgment. It is questioning our thoughts and beliefs because those are the source of all our pain.
If you go to her website she has a worksheet you can download called Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet. You start by doing what I call a brain dump or a thought download. She asks questions to really get her mind going. The point is to just get everything out and discover what is going on for you in the moment. Don’t hold back. Just write everything down. When you have that all down on paper you begin The Work which she refers to as a written meditation.
So she asks 4 questions.
1. Is it true?
This is like what I teach about separating the thought from the circumstance and then asking if this is true. You may answer no but oftentimes the answer is yes because this question is someone’s initial reaction. Initially, we think it is true.
For example, If you have an adult child who is choosing differently from what you taught them then you think “he doesn’t respect me because he is choosing differently. Then I am asked if this is true and I may answer yes right away because that is my initial reaction. Or I may say, well he did last week. But the answer to this question has to be a yes or a no. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. The point is to get still and really get curious and discover what is true deep inside you.
2. Can you absolutely know it is true?
This is a slightly different question. This is an opportunity to go even deeper. If your answer is yes then you move to the next question. But, again, the answer is either yes or no and neither one is wrong. However, you may find it useful to slow down and sit with this question. It is an opportunity to really consider other alternatives. Most of the time people say “no” because we can’t absolutely know for sure.
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
When Byron Katie is doing this work, she has the person write down a specific circumstance as part of their inquiry. This allows them to slow down and really pay attention to what is going on for them at this specific moment. How were they feeling? How were they behaving when they thought this thought? Asking yourself this question helps you step back and really become the observer of yourself. So if I answered those questions around the example of your child, you may say you feel hurt. You may talk to my husband or your friends about your child. I may avoid your child so I don't have to be around him. You may distance yourself or withdraw even when you arourn your child.
4. Who would you be without this thought?
In the same scenario, who would you be in that situation without this thought? I love this question. It isn’t about changing the situation and it isn’t even about changing the thought right away. Slowing down and really meditating on this question allows you to see who you would be without the thought. Seeing this picture opens you up to the possibility of something else. And then you can discover a new thought eventually.
If I didn’t have the thought that “my child disrespects me” you wouldn’t feel hurt. You wouldn’t talk about him behind his back. You wouldn’t avoid him. You wouldn’t be looking for proof of this belief. You could just accept what is and move on. You wouldn’t have to use all your energy being hurt.
So now we have answered the four questions, we move on to the turnarounds. This is where The Work can really sink in. Turnarounds are a very powerful part of this work. This is where you take the original thought and turn it around. It is a way of experiencing the opposite of what you believe to be true. As long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering - the situation is hopeless. You stay stuck in being the victim of your story. When you visualize the situation, you contemplate how each turnaround is as true or truer than the original thought. This helps you move to self-realization.
So, in the example of your thought about your adult child, the turnaround could be “I disrespect him.” This could be true because you may have been talking about your child behind his back and ignoring him. You are actually treating him the way you are accusing him of being.
Another turnaround could be “I disrespect myself.” I am trading my current moments for trying to control my child. There are 3 kinds of business. My business. Other’s business, and God’s business. We need to stay in our own business. When we find ourselves concerned about other people’s business we are fighting a losing battle and we are not being kind to ourselves. The truth is your happiness is not dependent on your adult child. When you believe this, you are not taking care of yourself.
Answering these 4 questions and then doing turnarounds is such an empowering process. This inquiry opens you up to actually living your life from a place of joy. The joy that is within you.
Now I want to share a few more things I have also learned from Byron Katie.
As our thinking changes, the problems disappear.
We think we are doing The Work on people, but actually we’re working on our thoughts about people.
Suffering is optional.
Suffering is a natural alarm, warning us that we’re attaching to a thought; when we don’t listen, we come to accept this suffering as an inevitable part of life. It’s not.
Inquiry is about noticing, not about dropping the thought. That is not possible. It is about realizing what’s true for you, through awareness and unconditional self-love. Once you see the truth, the thought lets go of you, not the other way around.
Arguing with reality means arguing with the story of a past. It is already over, and no thinking in the world can change it. When you argue with reality, you only lose 100% of the time.
Seeing reality clearly means that you can act in the kindest, most appropriate, and most effective way.
When you are mentally somewhere else, you miss real life.
Until the story is met with understanding, there is no peace.
These are just a few nuggets that I love from Byron Katie. Again, I invite you to go to her website, thework.com to learn more about her and what she teaches.
That is all I have for you today.
Thank you for listening and have a joyful week!
Click on the link below to learn more about Seasons Coaching, Seasons of Joy Community Facebook Group as well as the An Awakening Retreat coming up in October.
