Episode 61 - People Who Push Our Buttons
Episode 61 - People Who Push Our Buttons
Hello, friends!
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy Podcast.
How’s everyone doing today?
I just got back from vacation and getting back into the groove of everything.
It is always nice to take a break and getaway but I always like get back home and into my routine again.
So, I am so glad you are here today.
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Today’s episode is about people who “push your buttons.” This is a topic that was submitted by a listener. They are looking for suggestions on how to show love to someone that pushes all their buttons. I love this question because I believe we all have at least one person we think “pushes our buttons.”
When someone "pushes our buttons," it means that they are doing or saying something that triggers a strong emotional reaction in us, often leading to irritation, frustration, or anger.
I found myself in this place often when I was a young wife and mother. I believed that my kids should always do what I said. They should keep their rooms clean. They should be reverent at church. They should eat all their dinner. They shouldn’t whine. They shouldn’t fight. My husband shouldn’t have to be told what I need him to do. He should just know. He should want to do the dishes right after dinner. He shouldn’t want sex as much as he does. He should pick up after himself. He should only watch so much TV. If these things weren’t happening like I thought they should then I believed things were going wrong. The thoughts I was having made me feel out of control in my life. I was desperately trying to control things I couldn’t control because I believed my buttons were being pushed all of the time.
This pattern continued as my children became teenagers and young adults. There were buttons everywhere. Buttons showed up in my other relationships too–with my parents, my siblings, my friends, my in-laws. Our list of button pushers can get long if we let it.
Believing that our buttons being pushed just happens to us, and is totally out of our control, is like handing over the remote control of our well-being to another person. We are totally at the mercy of when they want to push a button or two of ours. This is such a disempowering place to be.
Here’s the truth, other people cannot push our buttons. This is a lie we tell ourselves and it keeps us living in victimhood. We decide to think thoughts that push our own buttons. We are the pushers of our buttons and we can decide to stop pushing our own buttons whenever we want. This is the best news ever.
There is something that happens between the words someone says or their behaviors and our emotional response. It is our thoughts. Our thoughts are the interpretations or what we are making it all mean. This is created by our own unique personal lens. This lens is made up of things like our past experiences, our values, and our beliefs. We view what someone says or does through this lens and then we have thoughts about it. Our thoughts may include phrases like, “They shouldn’t have said….” or “They shouldn’t have done….” or “They should know better than to …., or “If they loved me they wouldn’t….”, or “If they cared about me, they would …” When we believe that someone should be different than they are or that they should do something different than they are, we will most likely feel irritated, frustrated, or even angry. We are pushing our own buttons with the thoughts we think. There is this underlying belief that if they would be or act differently then we could be happy. When we believe this, we keep ourselves stuck in feeling things like irritation, disappointment, frustration, blame, or anger.
The comment your sister-in-law makes, the choice of your adult child, or the behavior of a friend does not push your buttons. It is your belief that they should be different than they are. It is really as simple as that. As humans, we like to complicate things. We like to be validated. So, we like to talk to other people who agree with us about the button pushing. We like to collect evidence of our buttons being pushed to prove our thinking true. Now, this isn’t wrong or bad. It really is ok to think or feel however you want. If you are doing this, you can keep choosing this as long as you like.
However, if you are tired of pushing your own buttons and you are ready for something different in your life, I want to share three things to help you create wanted change and to empower you to start taking responsibility of your own buttons so you can show up with more love in your relationships.
Tip #1: Acknowledge
It is important to acknowledge a few things in the beginning.
First, acknowledge that you have your own unique lens that you are viewing the situation and the other person through. This helps you see that there may be different perspectives available to you if you will pause and consider them. Recognizing that other people may have varying opinions or viewpoints on the particular issue will help you move closer to love instead of judgement.
Second, acknowledge your thoughts and feelings without judgment. You are not your thoughts or your emotions. They don’t define you. They give you information you can learn from in order to become more of who you want to be. You do this by becoming the watcher of what you are making other people's words and actions mean about you. Get curious and ask questions. Questions like: “Why am I thinking this?” “How could the opposite be true?” “What else could be true?” “What can this tell me about what I need right now?”
Third, acknowledge when you are mirroring. If you will pause and step back, you will find that you are mirroring the very behaviors of someone that you believe is pushing your buttons. For example, you are in an argument with your teenager and they start talking back to you. You are thinking that they are disrespecting you and you begin to feel disrespected with a layer of anger. You start listing off all that they are doing wrong. You start yelling at them. If you are honest with yourself, you really aren’t respecting them. You are disconnecting yourself from them just like they are disconnecting from you.
Fourth, acknowledge that the other person is a human being just like you. I heard someone say that if we added “just like me” at the end of our thought about another person then we could gain some awareness and perspective. For example, “My child is disrespectful…just like me.“ “My husband is insensitive…just like me.” “My friend isn’t considerate of my time…just like me.” You get the idea. We are all disrespectful, insensitive and inconsiderate sometimes because we are human beings–perfectly imperfect. We don’t always show up as our best selves. We don’t always say the right things or react in the best way. When we can view the other person as a human being, just like us, it can help us show with more compassion and grace.
Tip #2: Accept
Accepting what is doesn’t mean you have to love what is but you let go of trying to control other people or trying to change the past. The sooner you can come to terms with the reality of a situation rather than trying to change or control it, the sooner you release yourself from the chains of resistance.. Resistance to your current reality keeps you from living with intention and blocks feelings of love or compassion. When you aren’t arguing against what is, you can begin showing up in your life as the person you want to be on purpose. Acceptance is more powerful than you think. It creates a path to solutions. For example, our adult child is choosing to do something we don’t think they should do. We have two choices. We can resist what is. With the resistance may come disconnection and anger which block us from loving them. Or, we can accept what is. This doesn’t mean we love their choice. But if we can accept that this is what is and that it is their choice, we don’t have to fight against it. We don’t have to disconnect or become angry. We can actually get curious about why they might be making that choice as well as having the emotional freedom to make requests and boundaries from a loving place instead of disconnected angry place.
Here is another example. Let’s say you are at a family party and you have a family member that says something that you don’t like. Something that you believe is “pushing your buttons.” You can’t believe they said it and you think they shouldn’t have said it. You feel frustrated and then you avoid that family member, you kind of disengage from the party overall, you replay the comment in your mind, you think of the other comments they have made at past family gatherings. You talk about this family member to other family members. In the end, because you think they should be different than they are, you aren’t showing up as the person you want to be.
However, let’s change how you think about what is said. Instead of believing they shouldn’t have said what they said and they should be different than they are, you find something to believe that is just as true. Yes, it would be great if they didn’t say what they did and you don’t like it. But your resistance to it won’t change the reality of it being said. It could be as simple as, “yep, they say stuff like that sometimes.” The words they say aren’t good or bad until you give them meaning. You may even have some compassion for the other person because you realize their comment says something about them and what they may be going through. You don’t really give their comment a second thought. You don’t talk about it with other family members. You stay engaged at the party. You show up as the person you want to be.
Acceptance frees you.
Tip #3: Articulate
Many times we don’t articulate to the people in our life what is important to us. We assume they already know or if they loved us they would know what we value. Assumptions can create misunderstandings and miscommunication. Sometimes, we don’t articulate what we want because we are trying to manage other people’s emotions. We don’t want them to feel mad or sad. This is people-pleasing and it is impossible and exhausting. This can cause us to feel resentful. What would it be like if you could honestly articulate to your loved ones your desires and wants? What if you could really articulate your requests of others from a place of love instead of manipulation?
Let’s say your daughter asks you to babysit all of the time. You are frustrated because you can’t believe she asks you so much. You think she should know that it is too much. You don’t want her to feel bad so you keep saying yes and you get more and more frustrated and resentful towards her. You are creating more and more disconnect in your relationship with your daughter. What if instead of trying to manipulate your daughter’s emotions, you were honest with yourself and her? Getting curious by asking yourself questions. Do you even want to babysit? If so, how much do you want to be available to tend your grandchildren? What does that look like in the number of days or hours per week? Get really clear with what you want with yourself first. Tell the whole truth. This could be that you have other interests that you are wanting to pursue in your life or you like your free time AND you love your daughter and your grandchildren. You want to help her and spend time with your grandchildren but you only want to be available to tend a certain amount of time each week. That is the whole truth. You get to decide what that amount of time is. Then you get to say no when it doesn’t work for you. You may decide to tend a little more one week but it is because that is what you want to do. You are choosing to do it on purpose because that is who you want to be, not because you are trying to manage your daughter's emotions. Articulating what you want honestly with yourself may be all that is needed and then you start saying yes and no when you want to. However, you may want to have an honest conversation with your daughter too. For example, “Daughter, I love you so much. I love when I get to spend time with the grandchildren and I want to help you when I can. I am also really enjoying my spare time to explore other of my interests. In order to do both of those things, I am going to be available to tend one day a week for you.”
Again, you get to decide how much time you are willing to tend from a place of love instead of resentment.
So those are the 3 A’s to stop pushing your own buttons. 1) Acknowledge other people’s perspectives, your thoughts and emotions without judgement, and the humanness in all of us. 2) Drop the resistance and lean into accepting what is so you can create a path to peace and finding solutions. 3)Honestly articulate your wants and desires to yourself and others.
Practicing three things each of these will help you be more of who you want to be and strengthen the relationship you have with yourself and those you love.
If you are ready to take these concepts and apply them to your circumstances, I would love to be your coach. Just click the link in the show notes to schedule a free discovery call with me.
Click on the following links to learn more about Seasons Coaching and my Seasons of Joy Community Facebook Group.
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Have a joyful week!
