Episode 27 - Patterns and Pathways
Episode 27 - Patters & Pathways
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy Podcast. This is episode 26 - Seasons of Awareness.
Have you ever found yourself driving home on the same route that you drive frequently, and sometimes surprised when you arrive at your destination you don’t remember the drive. You were actually on autopilot. This is an example of the power of neural pathways.
When we think a thought or perform a behavior, it creates a neural pathway. It literally creates a gro0ve in our brain. Everytime we think this thought or do this behavior the pathway becomes stronger and is reinforced. It becomes so deeply ingrained that we are able to perform many behaviors, such as driving, on autopilot. Our brains were designed to do this because it saves energy and doesn’t require continual decision making.
Through the practice of self-awareness we can discover patterns and pathways that are keeping us stuck in behaviors that are not serving us and ultimately not helping us create a life we love.
One way we can discover pathways that are not serving us is to look for IF..THEN patterns. Most of the time we don’t notice these because we do them on autopilot. Even thoughts and behaviors that are not supporting the life we want to create are often repeated because they feel safe and comfortable. They are what we know and that feels safer than then unknown.
For example,
IF my kids are fighting,….THEN I yell.
IF I am bored, sad, or tired…THEN I distract myself by scrolling my phone.
IF my husband is late from work…THEN I distance myself and don’t interact with him.
IF the number on the scale isn’t what I would like….THEN I speak unkindly to myself.
These are patterns that are often repeated in other areas of our lives. These patterns are created because we believe something that leads to emotion that fuels our behaviors.
For example, if my kids are fighting, I am probably believing that they shouldn’t. I am believing it should be different than it is. I am resisting what is causing me to yell. I have created a neural pathway. The more I repeat this thought process the stronger the neuro pathway becomes. Pretty soon I am not even paying attention to the thought, I just go straight to the patterned behavior, that of yelling.
Feelings of boredom, sadness, or being tired feel uncomfortable. In order to escape the discomfort, we tend to buffer with behaviors that take away the discomfort for a time. The more we buffer the stronger that neural pathway becomes. Again, we have created a pattern and a pathway that happens by default everytime we feel bored, sad, or tired.
If my husband comes home from work late and I am believing that he should not be late and that he must not want to spend time with the family this may cause me to feel frustrated. This causes me to distance myself from him. The more I repeat this pattern the stronger the pathway. Pretty soon I am not paying attention to what I am actually thinking and I just automatically distance myself from him - doing the exact thing I am frustrated with him about.
Stepping on the scale and believing that I will never lose weight and that something is wrong with me leads me to feel shame. This fuels negative self-talk. Every time I step on the scale and I go straight to the thought that there is something wrong with me this reinforces the negative self-talk.
Overtime, these same patterns show up more frequently in our lives. When our children do something we don’t like, it is easier to yell because we have already created that pathway. Scrolling our phones whenever we don’t want to feel something becomes easier and easier. When our husband doesn’t do what we want him to do it becomes natural to pull away and disconnect. Negative self-talk that happens around stepping on the scale will creep in at other times such as looking in the mirror or while at the pool.
Behaviors such as yelling, scrolling, distancing, and shaming are behavioral patterns that keep us from creating a life we love. They are fueled by the emotions that are created by what we think.
Identifying and understanding our patterns, empowers us to create new pathways. Instead of operating on autopilot, we are the creators of our own life experience.
One way to create new pathways is to develop supportive patterns.
For example:
IF my children are fighting……THEN I remind myself that it is okay and that I am the perfect mom for this. I also honor the consequences I have put in place ahead of time from a place of love.
IF I feel bored, sad, or tired….THEN I remind myself that I am just going to feel an emotion and nothing has gone wrong. I will allow myself to feel it without scrolling.
IF my husband comes home late from work….THEN I will remind myself that nothing has gone wrong and I get to choose who I want to be.
IF the number on the scale is not something I like….THEN I count to 5 and remind myself it is just data.
One question that I have asked myself in situations like these is, “what looks most like love?”
In the example of the children, I can honor consequences from a place of love instead of anger.
In the example of feeling uncomfortable emotions, I can allow them instead of resisting them. Our bodies were made to process. When we resist, we are not allowing our bodies to do what they were made for. This is not showing ourselves love.
In the example of the husband, I can make requests all day long but from a place of love not control. Taking care of you by not letting husbands actions affect emotional health. Could love look like an open conversation? Could love look like additional help from outside in order to create time for self-care.
In the example of the number on the scale, love will always motivate. Shame never will. Remind yourself that you are not the number on the scale. You are so much more.
When my kids were younger, I wanted a clean house. I craved schedules and routine. I wanted everything in its place. Sadly, I remember yelling at my children over dirty clothes, messy rooms, and scattered toys. Once I began yelling, it creeped into many of my interactions with them. It became easier to yell. As I began to uncover that problem thought that was creating my yelling pattern, I could change it. It was thoughts like, “they should keep their room clean,” “they should do what I say,” “they should have clean rooms,” “they should want clean rooms,” “ I can’t believe they don’t care.” You get the idea. I was believing that they should be different then they were. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that I shouldn’t have expected them to clean their space or be responsible for their things. Of course I can expect that. However, I was arguing against what was and then I was letting it control my emotions. I believed that my children were causing my anger and frustration. This was not true. It was my belief that they should be different. I could have enforced rules and consequences without the anger and frustration. I could have parented in those moments with love.
This was a painful but powerful lesson for me. However, as I discovered this pattern, I was able to create a different pathway. Yelling is no longer a deeply traveled pathway. I have created a pathway of curiosity instead of frustration and love instead of anger.
What patterns do you see in your life that you would like to change?
Pay attention to how you show up day to day.
Is there something you want to change?
Once you discover the pattern, try to uncover the thought behind it.
Then question it. Poke holes in it. Replace it with something that will pave a new pathway.
Thank you for listening.
Have a joyful week!!
Click on the link below to learn more about Seasons Coaching, Seasons of Joy Community Facebook Group as well as the An Awakening Retreat coming up in October.
