Episode 65 - Dangerous Love
Episode 65 - Dangerous Love
Hello, my friends.
Welcome to the Seasons of Joy podcast.
I am happy to be here and I'm looking forward to sharing with you some of my thoughts about dangerous love.
But before I get started, I wanted to remind you of the two ways that you can work with me.
The first way is by joining my Seasons of Joy community Facebook group.
This is a free group and it's an opportunity to see what coaching is like in a group setting.
I have two calls a month.
One is a workshop and the other is an open coaching call.
It gives you an opportunity to see what it would be like to work with me and gives you a taste of the magic of coaching.
It's a great way to start.
It's a great place to start understanding the power of coaching.
The second way that you can work with me is privately.
I have a 12- week one on one coaching program called The Season of Creation.
And it's where we take the concepts that I teach on my podcast and in my free Facebook group to a deeper level,
We take all of these concepts and apply them to your life, to your situation individually, and we dive deeper to find solutions to what's causing you a problem.
So, those are the two ways you can work with me and the links to learn more about either one of those is found in the show notes.
Now on to today's episode,
Dangerous Love.
Dangerous Love is one of my most favorite books written by author Chad Ford.
Chad Ford is an associate professor at BYU-Hawaii and he teaches about conflict resolution.
And he also is a consultant with the Arbinger Institute.
And a few years ago, I was listening to Chad on a podcast and he was talking about his new book that was coming out and some of the concepts in it that he teaches.
And as you guessed it, the book was Dangerous Love.
So, as I was listening to this interview,
I knew I needed to read this book.
I just loved everything he was talking about and it really resonated with me.
So, I quickly downloaded the audible version of his book and listened to it as quickly as I could.
I just soaked it in.
And when I finished I knew I needed a hard copy,a physical copy, of the book so that I could underline.
I could take notes and really reference this book to help me as I grew my coaching business and expand my understanding of the concepts that he teaches in this book.
So, I love this title, Dangerous Love.
Those are two words that we don't typically put together.
But dangerous love is what I wanted to focus on today.
I've been thinking a lot about it and the concepts behind this phrase.
There is a lot to it and I think if we can understand this idea of dangerous love, and apply it to our life,
we will find peace, joy, and happiness.
This really is the key to creating something beautiful.
I wanted to share these concepts and a lot of what I am gonna talk about I pull from Chad Ford's book.
There's such good things.
So, if you haven't read it,I invite you to listen to it.
It is such a good book.
What I share with you today is a tip of the iceberg, but it's a good introduction to understand this concept of dangerous love.
So what does he mean by the term “dangerous love?”
Ford defines it as “a practice that allows us to choose love, overcome fear and see the humanity of our enemies clearly so that we can collaborate to solve the problems we all face together.”
A definition that I found for conflict is an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles.
Ultimately, conflict is our inability to collaboratively solve problems with other people.
So I want you to think about who you are in conflict with right now.
Are you struggling to solve a problem with your spouse?
Your adult child?
A friend?
A coworker?
A boss?
A neighbor?
An organization or a political party?
Or, I would even add yourself?
Who are you in conflict with right now?
When we experience conflict in our lives, we actually have a choice.
We can handle it in one of two ways.
We can choose constructively or destructively.
Ford says that when we engage in constructive conflict, we can find freedom from the negativity of contention.
We can find justice and mercy.
We can unlock creativity, develop our inner strength and calm, strengthen our personal and social relationships and solve deep-rooted problems in our lives.
We can even find peace in our personal lives, our relationships with others, the organizations we work in and the communities we live in.
I love that.
There's a choice.
Do we want constructive or destructive?
When we choose to handle conflict destructively Ford says, “contention runs rampant”
Don't you agree?
It feeds contention,
Justice and mercy can't be found.
Our options feel limited and we feel weak and anxious.
Broken relationships, dysfunctional workplaces, and divided communities and nations are left behind in the rubble.
I think that's such a really vivid picture,
Contention and conflict are two different things.
We're always going to have conflict,
It's part of this human experience.
But learning how to transform destructive conflict to constructive conflict is crucial to our overall well-being and happiness.
We do not have to have contention even though we experience conflict.
The biggest thing that keeps us from conflict transformation is fear.
Most people are afraid of conflict.
It feels dangerous to us.
We try to run away from it.
If we can't run away, we do what Ford refers to as “prepare for war.”
“We build walls to protect us from the impending harm—emotional or physical—we fear is coming.”
This fear deeply affects all of our relationships because “we aren't prepared or equipped to handle the problems we face because we're so busy running away.”
We fear the people we're in conflict with.
We fear feeling pain.
We fear not being loved or seen.
We fear we won't belong or be accepted.
The basic premise of dangerous love is this, “it is possible to transform our fear of conflict by learning how to love the people we are in conflict with through the conflict.”
Don't you love that?
Dangerous love is that, “it is possible to transform our fear of conflict by learning how to love the people we are in conflict with, through the conflict.”
Transforming our conflict is accomplished with love.
Dangerous love.
It is the kind of love that's challenging and hard.
It can feel dangerous to us because we're dealing with other human beings who may not love us back or they drive us absolutely crazy or they don't believe the way we do when we are in conflict with someone,
Our natural instinct is to run away.
To turn away.
This feels safer to our brain because it's trying to protect us from danger.
We stop loving and we start running.
So in order to transform conflict, we must do the exact opposite of that.
Ford tells us that we must run towards others.
We need to put down our physical and emotional weapons and we need to really love the people we're in conflict with.
That is why he calls this type of love dangerous love.
“A love that overcomes fear in the face of conflict.”
Now, dangerous love is risky and it can feel really scary.
It requires more than courage.
Ford said, “it demands fearlessness by letting go of our self-preservation instinct, inspired by our fear, and embracing us-preservation.”
We can transform conflict.
Dangerous love requires vulnerability.
Being willing to open ourselves up to knowing that the other person might not do the same,
Being willing to be the first person to run toward those we are in conflict with.
Ford says that dangerous love is “a love that allows us to see the humanity of others so clearly that their needs and desires matter as much as our own, regardless of how they see us.”
It is the opposite of easy love.
“It is choosing love over fear in the face of conflict.”
“It is choosing we over me.”
The way that we view others, ourselves, and conflict will transform because of love.
Dangerous love.
We no longer see others as our enemies.
Dangerous love is needed to mend relationships in our families, our workplaces, our communities and our countries.
What type of conflict would you say you're experiencing right now?
Do you feel angry?
Disappointed?
Frustrated?
Irritated?
Stuck?
Shame?
Hopeless?
Do you believe that finding peace in your conflict is impossible?
Does a solution or a resolution to your conflict seem out of reach?
Do you believe that if you fight hard enough, the other person will finally see things your way when we are in conflict?
It's so easy to see how other people should change.
But I want to invite you to think about how you can apply the tools I'm going to talk about today to work on changing yourself.
The truth is, we can't control how others handle conflict but we can change how we do by changing ourselves.
We actually can change the world one conflict at a time.
Conflict is actually an opportunity for us to learn and to grow and become the best version of ourselves.
It really is the catalyst for change—for becoming our best selves.
Our ability to see the humanness in ourselves and others helps us to set down our weapons of war and the heaviness of fear.
I want to share with you the four steps of practicing dangerous love that are mentioned in Chad Ford's book.
Step #1: Let go of our fear of conflict.
When we can view others as human beings just like us, we are better able to value and respect them.
Yet, if we believe our problems are unsolvable, we block our creativity and we stop asking questions.
We stop getting curious.
This can keep us stuck in the past where things weren't solvable.
We avoid.
We overly accommodate.
We compete against others in order to get what we want.
But none of these tactics helps us create happiness.
So what would your life be like if you could embrace the idea that conflict can actually be the way to grow and improve our relationships?
We don't have to be afraid of it.
Conflict itself won't hurt us.
It's how we think, feel, and react to the conflict in our lives that creates the fear.
What if you could step into curiosity instead of fear?
So I want to share a little example of this from my life.
I remember a time when I was heading into a difficult conversation with someone in a business relationship.
I knew that the other person was pretty worked up about a certain situation and he was going to probably unload on me.
We were definitely in conflict.
And I remember on my way to the meeting, I pictured in my mind the other person showing up in anger and this caused me to even be more afraid.
I so badly wanted to not have this conversation.
I wanted to turn around and drive back home.
I wanted to run away.
But I also knew that the worst thing that was going to happen—I had to remind myself of this in the moment that the worst thing that was going to happen to me—is that I might feel uncomfortable.
But ultimately, the conflict I had with this person was not going to physically hurt me.
I was going to be OK.
He was going to say some words in a certain tone but none of that was going to cause me harm.
Believing this helped me to tap into courage—fearlessness—knowing that I could handle whatever happened,
Step #2: Let go of our fear of the people we are in conflict with.
Changing the way we see people we are in conflict with opens us up to possibilities.
We can create space to discover solutions to our problems.
Stepping away from self concern to us concern by viewing others humanity.
With the growth and increased influence of the online world, is it any wonder that it's hard for us to see people as people?
Comments and opinions are hidden behind the shield of a screen, creating greater distance and greater disconnection between us.
The further away we view people, the less human they seem.
Brené Brown has a wonderful quote that really describes this.
She says, “ people are hard to hate close up. Move in. Speak truth…Be civil. Hold hands. With strangers. Strong back. Soft front. Wild heart.
This mindset shift is critical.
There are great consequences that come with not seeing people as people,
Other people are not responsible for the way we view them.
We are.
This is such great news!
We don't have to wait for someone to change in order to view them differently.
So, as I drove to have this difficult conversation, I began focusing on what I could control.
I could control how I responded and how I viewed this other person.
I knew that I couldn't change what happened in the past but I could focus on moving forward.
I arrived at the meeting and as the conversation progressed, he began sharing all the things that had been bothering him.
He would air a grievance and I would listen and then I would say, “ I can see why you would feel frustrated. So, what do we want to do now?”
Or, “I understand that you thought it would go differently. So, what can we do moving forward to help resolve this?”
During the conversation I tried really hard to see and understand him.
In a way, step back and view myself having this conversation.
Now, did I agree with everything he said?
No.
But in the moment, I could see him as a human being just trying to be understood and I wasn't afraid of him.
I didn't need him to do anything differently for me to show up as my best self.
Step #3: I turn first.
Loving someone that is driving you crazy or who doesn't agree with you can really be hard.
But taking action from love is even harder.
Deciding to be the first one to turn to someone we are in conflict with instead of running away is critical.
If we want to develop dangerous love, “we have to be the first to offer an apology, acknowledgement, respect or collaborative solution to develop dangerous love.”
It's all about deciding to turn first.
Other people may not respond by seeing you as a person.
They might not see your humanity.
But “if you don't actively choose to see them as a person before long you'll begin to turn and run away again.”
Dangerous love requires us to be bold, deliberate, and willing to be uncomfortable.
Dangerous love doesn't just happen to us.
It is a choice to turn towards others standing there in this conflict.
Having this difficult conversation from a place of love required me to be bold and willing to be uncomfortable while I chose to turn towards this other person.
I had to take action from love.
If I was going to create something different for myself, I had to decide to turn toward him instead of turning away in anger and frustration.
Because the truth is the only person that's really going to feel the anger and the frustration was me.
If I chose love, it was going to feel better.
So again, it required me to be bold and willing to be uncomfortable so I could feel love
Step #4: Invite them to turn.
Even “the smallest actions of acknowledgement, recognition, humility, and determination to find solutions, invites others to turn towards us instead of running away from us.”
“Dangerous love requires an intentional commitment to loving someone through conflict every day.”
I love that.
It's an intentional commitment to love someone through the conflict.
It isn't about grand gestures,
Being intentional helps us to not just survive but thrive in our relationships with our loved ones and our enemies.
So, my business associate had come prepared for war.
I can remember as this difficult conversation progressed, the walls he had put up were beginning to lower.
He was setting some of his weapons down.
My willingness to turn toward him, invited him to turn toward me.
Now again, we didn't agree on everything but we were able to find mutually beneficial solutions in order to resolve our conflict.
And as I drove home from this experience, I remember thinking,
“wow, I did it!”
It was a really hard conversation but I had learned so much from it.
Relief just washed over me for a couple of reasons.
First, I was so grateful for this experience because I proved to myself that I can choose to show up as the person I want to be in conflict no matter how the other person shows up.
Second, my ability to show up as my best can really invite change in others.
Now, is that why I do it?
No, but it's an invitation for them to turn.
So, by taking these four steps that I just shared with you:
Letting go of the fear of conflict.
Letting go of the fear of the people you're in conflict with.
Turning first.
Inviting them to turn.
These can help you become the person who will choose love over fear in the face of conflict.
The person who gives hope in a time of hopefulness.
The person who will be an influence for peace when anger and anxiety reign.
So one of the invitations that Ford shares in his book that I think really tie these four steps together is:
He says that every day he prays and asks Heavenly Father to help him see one person as a person today.
Just one.
When we can see each other as people, we begin to realize that we all have flaws and frustrations and hopes and dreams and challenges.
We all do.
The other person that we're seeing as a person becomes alive to us.
They matter just like we matter.
The thing that I think is so cool about seeing one person as a person today is the idea of dangerous love becomes real and personal.
It's easy to look at the world in general and think that we see everyone as people.
But what about the person you are in relationship with?
What about the annoying boss or the frustrating neighbor or the stranger who cut you off in traffic?
Can you see them as a person today?
So I want to leave you with that.
Is there someone in your life that you could begin seeing as a person today?
That's all I have for you.
Thank you for listening and have a joyful week!
Mentioned in the podcast:
Dangerous Love by Chad Ford
If you are ready to take these concepts and apply them to your circumstances, I would love to be your coach.
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